Somebody was once asked what are the three most important ingredients of a relationship or marriage that would be successful. He simply gave them:
Communication
Communication
Communication I believe he was right!
Communication is powerful and is so essential. Right from the very first few seconds of a baby’s entrance into this world, there must be communication or the baby will be given some baby smacks to give out a sound! As a matter of fact, communication, in an unexplainable way begins right from the embryonic stage of the baby in its mother’s womb. When communication in a relationship or marriage nosedives, the consequences show up immediately. In every relationship and marriage, there are levels of communication that must be explored to create a balance.
1. Communication with your maker No matter how good you are with communication or how adept you are in relating with others, if you have not first communicated with your maker, all the efforts will be futile. You see, you need to understand this, as it is fundamental. Your success in a relationship or marriage is predicated on your relationship with God as a foundation. Do you know God? If you don’t know God first, you won’t be able to know him or her. For you to understand what love is and how to love appropriately, you have to know God first because God is love! When you say something like, “I don’t want to be spiritual,” you are not being true to yourself, because you are essentially a spirit! You are a spirit who thinks with a soul and lives in a body! The body is not the real you! That is why the body is here on earth and decays after the man dies. When a man dies, the real him escapes from the body and reports to God!
Marriage itself is spiritual, from the very day that God instituted it. To succeed therefore in such, you need to first retrace your steps and establish a deliberate relationship with God. This is why we often say that it is risky to marry a man or woman that doesn’t know God! Do you know that knowing God, reading His word regularly will help you from falling into the hands of the wrong spouse? You see that in the book of Proverbs where it says specifically that He will deliver you from the evil man and from the strange woman!
To deliver thee from the way of the EVIL MAN, from the man that speaketh froward things; (Proverbs 2:12 KJV) To deliver thee from the STRANGE WOMAN, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; (Proverbs 2:16 KJV)
2. Communication with yourself The next stage is communication with yourself. Who are you? This answers the question of identity. Why are you here? This answers the question of purpose. This stage is important because if you don’t answer these questions before venturing into a relationship or marriage, you will end up frustrating him or her.
The questions of identity and purpose, if left unanswered would weary you and bring confusion as you begin to deal with another person. True love with yourself is a personal discovery of who you are and why you are here. If you don’t have true love for yourself, you cannot love another person. A person for example, who has answered the questions of identity and purpose, would not sleep around irresponsibly. The reality of who he or she is in God and the weight of his assignment would not allow him or her to misbehave. The gloriousness of his assignment would debar him from traveling down the road of compromise. When you know who you are, you will not try to get affirmations from the opposite sex who is looking for some lustful flings. When you know God’s plan for your life, the awesomeness of your future will prevent you from opening your legs to everybody that knocks! When a sense of purpose drives you, the fear of God will keep you from deceiving that guy or girl because of some paltry sums of money. When you know who you are, you won’t end up with a gut or girl in bed who you just met a few hours ago.
I challenge you this morning to seek the face of God in fasting and prayer to answer these questions. Who are you? Why are you here? Where is your location? There is a geographical milieu where you will thrive and flourish. Where is that place? You are a seed of God and every seed doesn’t grow everywhere. Before you travel or relocate to that country, have you been led by God? These are simple questions that will solve complex equations in your lives! May God grant more understanding! Wherever you are now, you can begin by talking to God and asking him these questions!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will communicate right with my maker
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to do it right.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Prov 2:11-12 (NIV) Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse,
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Study the word “communication”
Signs or symptoms make us pay attention to certain areas of our lives.
There are certain signs or symptoms that our marriage shows that make us know that it is time to pay attention to our marriage. When you have a headache, it is a sign that you need to pay attention to your body. Something is wrong somewhere. It could be as a result of body weakness or something.
Finding out what went wrong is a whole lot of effort on its own. After you find out what is wrong, you then take the right medicine to cure or get rid of the symptoms.
In the same way, our marriage show certain signs that makes is aware of the fact that our marriage need help.
Here are some of those signs:
Observation from friends and family. When friends and family begin to ask questions and are worried about the way your marriage is going. When things are obviously wrong and it is visible to your friends. Then you need to retrace your steps and begin paying attention to your marriage.
When your children’s attitude begins to change. There are several ways when things are not cordial between husband and wife, that affect the children. They may become withdrawn, stubborn, sickly, prone to domestic accidents, lower performance in school. Once you begin to see these signs, then your marriage needs attention.
Physical abuse If there is any kind of abuse in your marriage then that marriage needs attention. Either you visit a marriage counselor, read books, pray, listen to messages, or change your attitude or behaviour. When either of the spouses becomes violet or threatens the marriage, then your marriage needs attention. Note that in all these, it is not about who is right or wrong, it’s about quick intervention in the marriage, and proffering solution to wherever the problem is.
Withdrawal When either of the spouse is withdrawn and no longer enjoy the company of the other spouse, that marriage needs quick intervention. When the couples are nothing but mere bed mate or housemate When silence becomes the order of the day and you find it difficult to share your thoughts, feelings, et cetera. That marriage needs help. When the new normal is monosyllable questions followed by monosyllable answers, your marriage needs help.
I will stop here today and continue tomorrow by God grace.
May God send us needed help at the right time.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I pay attention to my marriage.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to pay attention to my marriage.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
You can’t afford to fail God or your spouse in your marriage. Apartfrom the fact that marriage is a wonderful relationship with the one you love, there is also the responsibility part. There is something always there to remind us of his truth. Yet for some of us our flesh, stubborn self, ego, revenge, the taste of tit for tat, strife, unforgiveness keeps us constantly with our spouse, like a mosquito always thirsty for blood.
When you view your marriage from another perspective, from the perspective of Covenant, it will change the way we view your marriage.
My husband, during our midweek service, taught along this line. It was such a blessing and it changed my perspective about my marriage forever. God is cutting a new covenant with His people. To God, our marriage is about the covenant and not just about our spouse.
And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever, for their own good and for the good of all their descendants. And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me. I will find joy doing good for them and will faithfully and wholeheartedly replant them in this land. Jeremiah 32:39 – 41 NLT
More so, God was in Christ when He cut a new covenant with us by His blood. Jesus became both the offering and the offerer. When He had to fulfill the demands of the law to set us free from death and its consequences. Jesus took the cross, suffered great agony, endured such shame and pain that He might see us free.
When you begin to see your marriage as a vital art of you, that Jesus paid the price for you will sit up.
Just like the Israelites, Pharaoh wanted to negotiate them out of taking their children, livestock and all that belong to them. They were wise enough to know that God was giving them a total and complete deliverance that includes all they have.
Your marriage to God is all about the covenant. There is a higher purpose, there is a more important agenda in the father’s heart. Which is total deliverance.
Jesus didn’t just die for our spirit not to be lost in hell. He died for everything about our lives. Our health, children, marriage, finances, mental health, emotional life, everything.
We owe God to respond back in gratitude, faithfulness and obedience to our part of the covenant. Our part is to obey every instruction in the word.
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. Ephesians 5:22 – 26 NLT
My marriage before God is obeying Ephesians chapter 5 verses 22 to 26, whether I feel like obeying or not, is not the issue.
That Jesus also despise the shame. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Hebrews 12:2 NLT
Necessity is laid on is to carry our cross of fulfilling our marriage covenant.
If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. Matthew 10:38 NLT
We become worthy of the sacrifice of Jesus when we carry our cross daily and follow Jesus. We carry our cross by obeying Him despite how or what we feel like doing.
To our spouse, our marriage is a responsibility that we must not fail to fulfill. It is spelt out in Ephesians 5: 22-26. What husbands should focus on doing as well as what wives should focus on doing. Here each party must focus on his/her part of the deal.
We owe our spouse to appropriately respond to our part in our covenant with them. To make sure we provide a conducive environment that will not leave our spouse vulnerable to the attacks and lies of the devil.
We owe our spouses to conduct ourselves in such a way that makes them comfortable in our presence. In being submissive, loving, caring, forgiving, available et cetera. We owe our spouses to be covenant partners in all ways and all aspects of our lives and existence. Whether spiritual, in the soulish realm, and physically.
But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself. He will be wounded and disgraced. His shame will never be erased. Proverbs 6:32 – 33 NLT
We owe our spouses to surround them so that we shut the door against the senseless and foolish sin of adultery and every form of emotional affairs.
May God grant us understanding.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will not fail God in my marriage
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me no to fail you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY then I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the good of them and their children after them. (Jer 32:39 NKJV)
The marriage bed – There are things that are popular and prevalent but not necessarily of God. That something is nearly ubiquitous does not validate it.
The voice of the people is sometimes reverberations and echoes of the devil! The voice of God is what stands any day, any time. The voice of man and the principles of man are often fraught with errors and casualties.
There are things that have been defined by the media and societal inclination; but as long as they are not founded on the word, they are as fickle as a flower that blossoms today and withers tomorrow.
You cannot build your life on such, or else when the storm rages; the wind blows and the rain falls, great will be the ruin of such a building.
For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 3:11 KJV)
So, what are some of those popular things?
1. She has to get pregnant before marriage
Some families will insist on this before they agree on any marriage. They want to be sure that the daughter they are bringing into the family is fertile or the guy that wants to marry their daughter is not impotent.
No matter how logical this looks, it contradicts the principle of God in terms of making the marriage bed undefiled.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4 KJV)
However you want to see it, even though it is popular, what is wrong is wrong. When your marriage is therefore founded on disobedience, it cut short the blessings of God.
It is not the ‘fertility’ of the lady or the potency of the man that will guarantee the next pregnancy after marriage. The same way it sounds logical to say one has to be sure with pregnancy also contradicts itself.
The same logic says what if he gets pregnant and one gets married and then loses the pregnancy, what happens? Then one will know how to cry unto God.
2. He has to be ‘mobile’ (He‘s got to have a car!)
Well, this is good! Who doesn’t want the best of things and who wants to ‘suffer’ first? If your fiancée has a good car before marriage, great!
You are blessed! But to make this a criterion will be a great error. The important thing is to find out God’s plan for your life. His thoughts towards you are thoughts of peace and not of evil!
Are you marrying the car or the guy? What if something happens to the car? There are seemingly rich guys today who are on their way to being massively broke. But there are also guys who are seemingly broke today but are on their way to being unrepentantly rich! As a lady, you need to follow your heart and you have to be able to “perceive!”
3. We have to be compatible in bed
You just want to satisfy your lust, simple! How do you measure this compatibility in bed? What would he or she do that will give a pass mark? And if he or she is not compatible according to your judgment, what happens?
Look for the next available person and jump in bed to measure compatibility? Compatibility in bed is a figment of the imagination, and that is why you keep measuring after the first “measurement” It is high time we stop that deception.
It is high times ladies woke up and stop being easily deceived. wait for the marriage bed!
If the lady was good in bed, you’ll say she is too exposed; she has slept with too many people. If she is naïve in bed, you’ll say she is Mummy’s girl! So, exactly what are you up to?
4. We have to seek Prophet’s consent
This is another nonsensical pursuit. It is a waste of time. What you need to know is that there are prophets for profit. They are hungry and they need to eat, so they will always see something. Even when you give them three non-existent names, they will still see something! That spirit in them will not be able to identify that those are non-existent names.
In the Old Testament, the people will consult the prophet for direction because the Holy Spirit is only upon these prophets. But in the New Testament, the primary function of the prophet has moved from foretelling to forth-telling.
The Holy Spirit is now upon all believers, and you are supposed to be led by the Spirit of God individually. If your prophet or pastor confirms what is already in your heart; that is okay. I have done that for a lot of people, but pastors or prophets are not to be sought for direction on who to marry! You are to decide, they can confirm! If a pastor insists you must marry somebody you dislike and you are not in love with, that is nothing more than emotionalism and manipulation!
5. I don’t really love him or her, but I need the citizenship
This is another wrong reason to get married. Getting married to an older person to get some papers? Don’t be that desperate; allow God to do what He wants to do in your life.
What if you are not supposed to be in that place, according to God’s direction for your life? You would have sentenced yourself to a life of non-fulfillment and dissatisfaction.
You might end up having some dollars, but you will never have the peace of mind that way, and there is all likelihood that such marriages will not last! You don’t have God’s support when you venture into such deals.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I do not go by what’s popular. I will follow God’s plan for my life. Popular opinion does not move me, only the word of God does.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, lead me to the right person for me.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding (Proverbs 4:7 NKJV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Don’t look for what is popular. Pray in the spirit instead.
Over the years, from counseling experiences, and even from the scriptures, one guaranteed reason a relationship or marriage will crash is when there is no form of mentoring or tutelage, or better put, when there is no accountability!
The kingdom of God is so orchestrated in such a way that you are not supposed to stay in isolation. Isolation will usually dovetail to desolation.
Here is God’s word:
God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. (Psalms 68:6 KJV)
God in His wisdom has surrounded us with not only physical families but also spiritual families. You have to be able to identify your spiritual family and stay there. There is a man or woman that God has placed over you from whom you can access wisdom and who will be able to speak into your life in the times of storms.
There are times that you face some issues, and yet the solution to that storm is just a sentence or two away in the mouth of an anointed servant of God.
This is why I am often scared of couples that have nobody they are accountable to. I am often scared of couples that have no mentors over them. Somebody has rightly said that you need mentors to avoid tormentors of life!
Singles, beware of getting into a relationship with a person who is accountable to no one! The moment he or she begins to tell you that God is his mentor, something is wrong somewhere.
Now, I will tell you why it is so important that you get married to somebody who is accountable.
There are some times that couples call in for counseling and upon listening to them, there would only be one way to move forward.
So, I would ask the question,
“Who is your husband’s mentor?”
It is always sad when the answer is “Nobody sir!”
So, I would usually reframe the question, “Who does your husband respect? Who can talk to him?”
And then, a sadder answer comes “Nobody sir!”
Then I would make one more attempt, “What about his parents?”
“He does not listen to his parents! Nobody can talk to him!”
At this point, the situation actually looks bleak… because you can hardly help an isolated and disenfranchised person!
One of the pertinent things to be sure of in considering marriage is the issue of accountability!
Don’t get involved with someone who says you don’t need a mentor. That would be risky!
Let me conclude with this scripture:
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. (Proverbs 15:22 KJV)
Purposes can be genuine, but when they are without counsel, they can be frustrated and disappointed.
See it in Message translation:
Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; take good counsel and watch them succeed. (Proverbs 15:22 Message)
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I have the wisdom of God. I am not isolated. My relationship will not crash.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, show me who you have appointed to speak into my life so that my relationship will not crash.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY The empty–headed treat life as a plaything; the perceptive grasp its meaning and make a go of it. (Proverbs 15:21 Message)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Discuss and decide on who will be your mentor
