Somebody was once asked what are the three most important ingredients of a relationship or marriage that would be successful. He simply gave them:
Communication
Communication
Communication I believe he was right!
Communication is powerful and is so essential. Right from the very first few seconds of a baby’s entrance into this world, there must be communication or the baby will be given some baby smacks to give out a sound! As a matter of fact, communication, in an unexplainable way begins right from the embryonic stage of the baby in its mother’s womb. When communication in a relationship or marriage nosedives, the consequences show up immediately. In every relationship and marriage, there are levels of communication that must be explored to create a balance.
1. Communication with your maker No matter how good you are with communication or how adept you are in relating with others, if you have not first communicated with your maker, all the efforts will be futile. You see, you need to understand this, as it is fundamental. Your success in a relationship or marriage is predicated on your relationship with God as a foundation. Do you know God? If you don’t know God first, you won’t be able to know him or her. For you to understand what love is and how to love appropriately, you have to know God first because God is love! When you say something like, “I don’t want to be spiritual,” you are not being true to yourself, because you are essentially a spirit! You are a spirit who thinks with a soul and lives in a body! The body is not the real you! That is why the body is here on earth and decays after the man dies. When a man dies, the real him escapes from the body and reports to God!
Marriage itself is spiritual, from the very day that God instituted it. To succeed therefore in such, you need to first retrace your steps and establish a deliberate relationship with God. This is why we often say that it is risky to marry a man or woman that doesn’t know God! Do you know that knowing God, reading His word regularly will help you from falling into the hands of the wrong spouse? You see that in the book of Proverbs where it says specifically that He will deliver you from the evil man and from the strange woman!
To deliver thee from the way of the EVIL MAN, from the man that speaketh froward things; (Proverbs 2:12 KJV) To deliver thee from the STRANGE WOMAN, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; (Proverbs 2:16 KJV)
2. Communication with yourself The next stage is communication with yourself. Who are you? This answers the question of identity. Why are you here? This answers the question of purpose. This stage is important because if you don’t answer these questions before venturing into a relationship or marriage, you will end up frustrating him or her.
The questions of identity and purpose, if left unanswered would weary you and bring confusion as you begin to deal with another person. True love with yourself is a personal discovery of who you are and why you are here. If you don’t have true love for yourself, you cannot love another person. A person for example, who has answered the questions of identity and purpose, would not sleep around irresponsibly. The reality of who he or she is in God and the weight of his assignment would not allow him or her to misbehave. The gloriousness of his assignment would debar him from traveling down the road of compromise. When you know who you are, you will not try to get affirmations from the opposite sex who is looking for some lustful flings. When you know God’s plan for your life, the awesomeness of your future will prevent you from opening your legs to everybody that knocks! When a sense of purpose drives you, the fear of God will keep you from deceiving that guy or girl because of some paltry sums of money. When you know who you are, you won’t end up with a gut or girl in bed who you just met a few hours ago.
I challenge you this morning to seek the face of God in fasting and prayer to answer these questions. Who are you? Why are you here? Where is your location? There is a geographical milieu where you will thrive and flourish. Where is that place? You are a seed of God and every seed doesn’t grow everywhere. Before you travel or relocate to that country, have you been led by God? These are simple questions that will solve complex equations in your lives! May God grant more understanding! Wherever you are now, you can begin by talking to God and asking him these questions!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will communicate right with my maker
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to do it right.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Prov 2:11-12 (NIV) Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse,
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Study the word “communication”
There shouldn’t be issues of somebody giving you a “nail” when you propose if you follow simple traffic rules.
The guy is like the one driving a car and the lady is the parking space.
So the guy is driving and he wants to ‘branch’ into a place, traffic rule says you should trafficate.
According to Wikipedia, Trafficators are semaphore signals which, when operated, protrude from the bodywork of a motor vehicle to indicate its intention to turn in the direction indicated by the pointing signal.
So a guy is interested in a lady, you want to turn in her direction, the next thing to do is to use your trafficator! How do you do that?
You indicate your intention in little but healthy ways. You must have been friends of course! You send her an SMS (not to propose, but just saying hi), buy her a card, or keep a bar of chocolate for her. Those are some little healthy gestures that tell her, I want to “turn here.” That way, you are using the trafficator.
Now, the girl with her attitudes, reactions, and body language will either welcome you or rebuff you completely. It is either she brings up a signpost that tells you that you can turn in here or she brings up a warning sign, ‘No Parking!’
Once you see ‘No parking’ repeatedly, you simply drive on and say, ‘who wants to park before, my hands just mistakenly hit the trafficator!
You see that way, you stop wasting your time and energy and you avoid unnecessary rejection and you are still friends at the end of the day.
But you see, there are guys who are not really interested in commitment who just want to have a place to park illegally and have some jeru trip. Be wary of such.
Then, there are guys that will not trafficate at all and will just turn in. That is a traffic offence tantamount to justified rejection. You don’t operate like that in the kingdom.
There are also guys, who will trafficate right and then they abruptly turn to the left. That is nothing but wickedness. It is a traffic offence! Those kinds of guys should not be given an inch of parking space at all. They are not being sincere about what they really want.
Then there are also guys who will leave their double blinker on. You are not sure where they are going because the trafficators show they are turning both left and right at the same time. Don’t give your attention to such guys!
Traffic offences will always attract traffic officers and they will either arrest you or waste your time. Learn to do it God’s way so you don’t end up wasting a few years in your attempts at marriage.
And then for guys, look at the signs very well before you turn in. There are some places that are just dead ends. When you get entangled and fall in love with someone who has no relationship with God in any form but because she has hot legs, you are simply looking for trouble.
There are also places where the parking space is full, there is no reason getting involved with a married person. But you and your car may not survive it!
For married people, appreciate your spouse and stop using your trafficators on forbidden zones. There are some places you are not permitted to drive to again. You can admire those parking spaces but don’t desire them and don’t go there. Go back and use your space that God has given you and God will bless you on that.
As a married man, there are several parking places that look so alluring but God says don’t try it. They look beautiful with soft grass where your car can easily be parked but underneath are sharp pricks that will ground your vehicle. You will be immobilized, your destiny will be truncated and you will be grounded.
If you are illegally parked somewhere, it is time to move before you are grounded. If you are already grounded, get a towing vehicle and move out fast. That will cost you a little but it is the best thing to do. Run to God and decide to do it right. That is when you can run your race with grace and you will be sure you will get to your destination.
I pray for you this morning that every hindrance in your way is removed in Jesus name. You will surely get to your destination.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will not miss it in marriage
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to trafficate rightly.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Ephesians 1:17-18 NLT asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Trafficate before you park
The marriage bed – There are things that are popular and prevalent but not necessarily of God. That something is nearly ubiquitous does not validate it.
The voice of the people is sometimes reverberations and echoes of the devil! The voice of God is what stands any day, any time. The voice of man and the principles of man are often fraught with errors and casualties.
There are things that have been defined by the media and societal inclination; but as long as they are not founded on the word, they are as fickle as a flower that blossoms today and withers tomorrow.
You cannot build your life on such, or else when the storm rages; the wind blows and the rain falls, great will be the ruin of such a building.
For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 3:11 KJV)
So, what are some of those popular things?
1. She has to get pregnant before marriage
Some families will insist on this before they agree on any marriage. They want to be sure that the daughter they are bringing into the family is fertile or the guy that wants to marry their daughter is not impotent.
No matter how logical this looks, it contradicts the principle of God in terms of making the marriage bed undefiled.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4 KJV)
However you want to see it, even though it is popular, what is wrong is wrong. When your marriage is therefore founded on disobedience, it cut short the blessings of God.
It is not the ‘fertility’ of the lady or the potency of the man that will guarantee the next pregnancy after marriage. The same way it sounds logical to say one has to be sure with pregnancy also contradicts itself.
The same logic says what if he gets pregnant and one gets married and then loses the pregnancy, what happens? Then one will know how to cry unto God.
2. He has to be ‘mobile’ (He‘s got to have a car!)
Well, this is good! Who doesn’t want the best of things and who wants to ‘suffer’ first? If your fiancée has a good car before marriage, great!
You are blessed! But to make this a criterion will be a great error. The important thing is to find out God’s plan for your life. His thoughts towards you are thoughts of peace and not of evil!
Are you marrying the car or the guy? What if something happens to the car? There are seemingly rich guys today who are on their way to being massively broke. But there are also guys who are seemingly broke today but are on their way to being unrepentantly rich! As a lady, you need to follow your heart and you have to be able to “perceive!”
3. We have to be compatible in bed
You just want to satisfy your lust, simple! How do you measure this compatibility in bed? What would he or she do that will give a pass mark? And if he or she is not compatible according to your judgment, what happens?
Look for the next available person and jump in bed to measure compatibility? Compatibility in bed is a figment of the imagination, and that is why you keep measuring after the first “measurement” It is high time we stop that deception.
It is high times ladies woke up and stop being easily deceived. wait for the marriage bed!
If the lady was good in bed, you’ll say she is too exposed; she has slept with too many people. If she is naïve in bed, you’ll say she is Mummy’s girl! So, exactly what are you up to?
4. We have to seek Prophet’s consent
This is another nonsensical pursuit. It is a waste of time. What you need to know is that there are prophets for profit. They are hungry and they need to eat, so they will always see something. Even when you give them three non-existent names, they will still see something! That spirit in them will not be able to identify that those are non-existent names.
In the Old Testament, the people will consult the prophet for direction because the Holy Spirit is only upon these prophets. But in the New Testament, the primary function of the prophet has moved from foretelling to forth-telling.
The Holy Spirit is now upon all believers, and you are supposed to be led by the Spirit of God individually. If your prophet or pastor confirms what is already in your heart; that is okay. I have done that for a lot of people, but pastors or prophets are not to be sought for direction on who to marry! You are to decide, they can confirm! If a pastor insists you must marry somebody you dislike and you are not in love with, that is nothing more than emotionalism and manipulation!
5. I don’t really love him or her, but I need the citizenship
This is another wrong reason to get married. Getting married to an older person to get some papers? Don’t be that desperate; allow God to do what He wants to do in your life.
What if you are not supposed to be in that place, according to God’s direction for your life? You would have sentenced yourself to a life of non-fulfillment and dissatisfaction.
You might end up having some dollars, but you will never have the peace of mind that way, and there is all likelihood that such marriages will not last! You don’t have God’s support when you venture into such deals.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I do not go by what’s popular. I will follow God’s plan for my life. Popular opinion does not move me, only the word of God does.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, lead me to the right person for me.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding (Proverbs 4:7 NKJV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Don’t look for what is popular. Pray in the spirit instead.
Over the years, from counseling experiences, and even from the scriptures, one guaranteed reason a relationship or marriage will crash is when there is no form of mentoring or tutelage, or better put, when there is no accountability!
The kingdom of God is so orchestrated in such a way that you are not supposed to stay in isolation. Isolation will usually dovetail to desolation.
Here is God’s word:
God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. (Psalms 68:6 KJV)
God in His wisdom has surrounded us with not only physical families but also spiritual families. You have to be able to identify your spiritual family and stay there. There is a man or woman that God has placed over you from whom you can access wisdom and who will be able to speak into your life in the times of storms.
There are times that you face some issues, and yet the solution to that storm is just a sentence or two away in the mouth of an anointed servant of God.
This is why I am often scared of couples that have nobody they are accountable to. I am often scared of couples that have no mentors over them. Somebody has rightly said that you need mentors to avoid tormentors of life!
Singles, beware of getting into a relationship with a person who is accountable to no one! The moment he or she begins to tell you that God is his mentor, something is wrong somewhere.
Now, I will tell you why it is so important that you get married to somebody who is accountable.
There are some times that couples call in for counseling and upon listening to them, there would only be one way to move forward.
So, I would ask the question,
“Who is your husband’s mentor?”
It is always sad when the answer is “Nobody sir!”
So, I would usually reframe the question, “Who does your husband respect? Who can talk to him?”
And then, a sadder answer comes “Nobody sir!”
Then I would make one more attempt, “What about his parents?”
“He does not listen to his parents! Nobody can talk to him!”
At this point, the situation actually looks bleak… because you can hardly help an isolated and disenfranchised person!
One of the pertinent things to be sure of in considering marriage is the issue of accountability!
Don’t get involved with someone who says you don’t need a mentor. That would be risky!
Let me conclude with this scripture:
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. (Proverbs 15:22 KJV)
Purposes can be genuine, but when they are without counsel, they can be frustrated and disappointed.
See it in Message translation:
Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; take good counsel and watch them succeed. (Proverbs 15:22 Message)
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I have the wisdom of God. I am not isolated. My relationship will not crash.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, show me who you have appointed to speak into my life so that my relationship will not crash.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY The empty–headed treat life as a plaything; the perceptive grasp its meaning and make a go of it. (Proverbs 15:21 Message)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Discuss and decide on who will be your mentor
There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother.There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness.There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes! and their eyelids are lifted up.There is a generation, whose teeth are as swords, and their jaw teeth as knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, and the needy from among men (Proverbs 30:11-14 KJV)
I am still a small boy. I will be forty-nine in October. I have several older friends, some in their fifties and some in their sixties, so you agree with me that I am still a very young man, plus I really look young.
As a pastor for some time, there are things I have heard that made my ears tingle. There are experiences people have gone through that seemed unbelievable. Some of them came through it and lived to tell the story. Some were not so strong enough; they were swept off their feet.
I will like to reminiscence and bring you some of those scenarios. The intent is not to mock, but to teach and for you to be cautioned. The devil has no new strategies; it is the same old, dump traps that he sets. Here we go. Names are fictional.
Case 1
Sandy was being asked out by George. She refused. Sandy was a church girl; George was a street guy. She just wanted friendship. She visited him one day so that he wouldn’t feel bad again because he was refused, because George kept acting up. Sandy was served Juice.
She suspected, and then she thought, ‘he couldn’t have poisoned her drink. She took the drink since it was freshly opened, but what she didn’t know was that you don’t need to open a juice before you add some drugs. A syringe and needle were used. After taking the drink, she wanted to leave, but she was delayed. That was the last she knew.
Fast forward to seven hours later. She woke up drowsily. The room smelt of Indian hemp and alcohol. She saw George and three other guys, eyes red and faces changed. She knew she was in trouble. They were going to rape her. The music blared out loud from the deck. Shouting was useless.
Her mistakes
1. She visited them in their territory. That was calling for trouble.
2. She trusted them. That was a great mistake.
3. She made friends with wrong set of people
Lessons
1. You don’t trust an unbeliever. Even a young believer whose mind is not renewed yet is capable of doing anything.
2. People can be sweet-talking and yet have bile within. Be alert, being naïve can be tragic.
Case 2
She just got admission into the university in her teenage years. She was from a Christian home. Her parents were deacons. She had friends who were not Christians. She had a self-esteem issue. She believed her breasts were too small, and that was why she was not beautiful. Her friends said it was because he had no boyfriends to help press them.
They promised to get her a boyfriend. They did. She started sleeping around.
Fast forward, three months. She was a pregnant eighteen-year-old. Her friends said she was stupid, what happened to all the pills? She said she could not murder a soul.
They laughed at her. Her parents were devastated. They said they could not abort for her as well. Back in school, her tummy was protruding. She could not live with the shame. Her friends eventually persuaded her that it was not too late to abort.
She obliged, damning the consequences. It was removed by a person who said he was a doctor. It was a twin pregnancy. One was removed; the other was left there. Complications arose. A few days later, she died!
Her mistakes
1. Wrong set of friends. You don’t surround yourself with enemies.
2. She drew strength for her esteem from a wrong source.
Lessons
1. Jeru trip whether it leads to pregnancy or not, is not the way to go.
2. You don’t take mentoring lessons from friends, they don’t know more than you do.
Case 3
Two friends driving on the road hit an old man’s car. The old man was furious, came down, because these two guys were in a brand new car. These guys came out of their car arrogantly with no apology.
They asked the man how much his car was worth. These further infuriated the man, who said he was not interested in their money but they should fix his car. One of the guys went into his boot and brought out a big bag full of money! The little crowd around was shocked.
Unknown to them, nemesis was going to catch up on them. They soon attracted more crowd of people because the man refused to take the money and kept asking them where they got so much money from.
Policemen were soon attracted; they simply arrested them and went to their house for a search. Right there where they lived were two girls on their knees with stuff on their heads…it was a ritual case! The girls have been turned into money-spinning demonic zombies, their lives snuffed out!
Lessons
1. Not everybody that wants to sleep with you and offer you money; really loves you. Some just want to ‘use’ you!
2. Don’t follow strangers home and don’t take strangers into your house because of some quick money.
3. Learn how to live by faith and trust God for your provision rather than live by deception and a life of iniquity. The consequences are right there.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY The Holy Spirit will guide me into all truth.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, open my eyes of understanding.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits. (1 Cor 15:33 NKJV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Carefully pick your friends with open eyes.
Marriage is instituted by God. The devil hates marriages. That is why the devil attacks marriages with a passion. A lot of people have terribly wrong notions of what marriage is.
In looking at the scriptures, we see a picture of what marriage is supposed to be. This morning, we’ll look at some of those underlining principles. Here are some wrong notions.
1. Marriage is a necessary evil
God does not create evil. In Genesis, everything He created, He said, “It is good.” However, the devil has succeeded in most people at misrepresenting the original intentions of God as concerning marriage. Marriage is not a necessary evil. If it were, then God will be unjust to set us up in that way. If I may put things in perspective, I will say Marriage is a blessing. It is a beautiful, thoughtful idea of God on humanity.
God’s idea is that one will chase a thousand, but two shall put ten thousand to a flight! God’s idea is that in marriage, your strength is multiplied. Marriage is not a nemesis, it is not a mistake, it is a divine arrangement of God to fulfill His purpose on earth.
2. Marriage is not necessary; I can just have one or two children
I have heard several ladies say this. I don’t want to get married to any man, but I want to have children. In the arrangement of God, children are supposed to come from a couple, a husband and wife, a man and a woman. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, not Eve and Eva! God’s idea is that children are raised in the atmosphere of love, with a man and a woman, a father and a mother. Every time, that man has flouted this, it has landed him into trouble.
Our prisons are filled today with people in a large percentage that were raised without a father or mother figure. Every time, a father or a mother was not there, it had produced dysfunctional children and ultimately dysfunctional families. By the time you have a dysfunctional generation, what you have in the end is a dysfunctional society.
3. There are no good men; all the good men have died
This is a wrong conclusion. Usually, ladies who have gone through harrowing and unpleasant experiences and disappointments in the hands of several men usually sing this song. Well, experiences, no matter how intense, cannot replace the truth of God’s word.
The reality is that there are still faithful men and good men! The danger here is that what you believe is what you attract. That is the law of life.
You see, it is always good to do things God’s way and not try to put things into your hands. When you try to follow your own limited wisdom, things can really get awful. You are not designed to do it by yourself or in your own strength!
4. You cannot be a ‘celebrity’ and have a good marriage
This is another lie of the devil. First of all, who does God see as a celebrity? I am not sure it is the same way our society views that. But that topic is for another day. Let’s follow the secular definition of who a ‘celebrity’ is.
Here are few things that usually land them in many unsuccessful attempts at marriage.
a. They have a lot of fame. With that comes a massive ego and a lot of pride. Usually, the selflessness that makes a marriage work does not come with all that.
b. They have a lot of money, so submitting to a husband or loving a woman is a great challenge. Without the constant renewal of mind which comes as a result of God’s word, this is usually a challenge.
c. There is something called deceitfulness of riches. It makes one feel you can do all you want to do and you don’t really need God. But then, this kind of attitude to life usually comes with its consequences as seen in today’s world.
d. They usually stay away from marriage because they feel that would tie them down and not allow them to live the kind of life they wanted.
e. A few of those who were married ended in divorce ad separation because they were not able to give time and attention to their spouses.
f. Their lifestyle and nature of work usually attract adulterous relationships. This further complicates the whole equation.
g. They are not able to submit to any authority figure for spiritual accountability purposes.
5. Marriage succeeds as long as there is money.
It does not work that way. Marriage requires both parties to work at it, loving themselves genuinely, understanding and speaking their love languages, spending quality time, and giving attention to the marriage.
I pray that God will give us more wisdom on this topic as we all work towards a successful marriage.
I pray for all going through one challenge or more in their relationships or marriages, I ask for peace on every storm and pray specially for God’s intervention in Jesus name!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I have the wisdom of God. I am delivered from the wrong relationship.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to discard every wrong notion about marriage in my mind.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female (Mark 10:6 KJV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Decide to live by God’s principles.
Deborah is a twenty-six-year-old lady who is not in any relationship. She visits her much older friend, Aunty Nike who has been married for fifteen years and the following conversation ensued.
Pick the words carefully, see the wisdom embedded in between the lines and learn a few principles in the conversation…yes, just a conversation. Somebody said the wisdom of a person can be found in his words.
Aunty Nike: So, my dear, how has it been?
Deborah: Well, it’s been great o…
Aunty Nike: So, when are we walking down the aisle?
Deborah: Aunty, I will walk alone?
Aunty Nike: God forbid
Deborah: I never find person o… (I have not found anybody)
Aunty Nike: You are not to find a man; you are to be found.
Deborah: And if I’m not found?
Aunty Nike: You will be found?
Deborah: But time is going, Aunty, and the pressures are much!
Aunty Nike: Are you sure you are findable?
Deborah: Findable? I go write am for head? (do I have to write that on my forehead?)
Aunty Nike: Not like that.
Deborah: So how?
Aunty Nike: You know what the scripture says, right?
Deborah: Tell me, Aunty
Aunty Nike: He that findeth a wife…
Deborah: Oh that one. I know it.
Aunty Nike: Do you notice what it says? He that finds a wife…
Deborah: Yes, what does that mean?
Aunty Nike: He that finds a wife…not a woman, not a girl.
Deborah: I see
Aunty Nike: There is a difference
Deborah: But I don’t understand. How do I become a wife before being found?
Aunty Nike: That’s the core message in there. If you don’t become a wife, you are not findable!
Deborah: But it is you people that will preach now that one should not have pre-marital sex, you should not go and spend weekends in a guy’s house, you should not cook or wash boxers, and so on. So how do you become a wife before being found?
Aunty Nike: Good question. I will give you a good answer.
Deborah: I dey hear o… (I am listening)
Aunty Nike: It is not becoming a wife in terms of physical actions; it is more of preparation of the heart.
Deborah: So, I will become a wife in my heart? You these spiritual people! How?
Aunty Nike: Yes, because according to that scripture, what must be found is a ‘wife’
Deborah: So how do I become a wife in my heart, Aunty?
Aunty Nike: You become a wife in your heart through your preparations and dispositions.
Deborah: Aunty, no confuse me with grammar o. (don’t get me confused with bogus words’)
Aunty Nike: It is very simple. The question is ‘are you a wife material?’ Are you prepared? Every man is looking for a wife material, not a girl.
Deborah: Aunty, I am not a girl. I am twenty-six
Aunty Nike: It is not about age. You can be thirty-five and yet not be a wife material…still a girl in your dispositions.
Deborah: Dispositions?
Aunty Nike: The way you think, which informs the way you act.
Deborah: Aunty, I need to get married fast, I am getting miserable
Aunty Nike: And after marriage, the misery will fly away? To far-far-away kingdom?
Deborah: Yes now, with a husband by my side.
Aunty Nike: You are not yet a wife material.
Deborah: Aunty, which one now, you wan curse me? (You want to curse me?)
Aunty Nike: I am not cursing you, I am telling you who you are, you are still a girl and you are not yet ready to be found.
Deborah: How?
Aunty Nike: What is the definition of a wife?
Deborah: A woman who is married.
Aunty Nike: That is dictionary definition; give me biblical definition.
Deborah: I no be pastor, Aunty (I am not a Pastor)
Aunty Nike: ok. A wife is not just a married woman, but a married woman who is a help-meet. A wife is to complete her husband. She is coming with something on the table, not just coming to get! When you say you need a husband because you are feeling miserable, what you need to know is that marriage will not remove the misery; it will only make you a married miserable woman and probably drag the man into misery as well.
Deborah: Aunty, I don hear! (I have heard)
Aunty Nike: You better hear!
Deborah: At least, I won’t be lonely again…all those nights I spend alone hugging my poor pillow…
Aunty Nike: There you go again. You are still a girl.
Deborah: Something is wrong with that statement again?
Aunty Nike: Everything is wrong with it.
Deborah: Tell me, Aunty.
Aunty Nike: Marriage does not solve the problem of loneliness. It solves the problems of aloneness. God told Adam, it is good for man to be alone, not lonely…
Deborah: I don’t get…
Aunty Nike: There are many married people who are very lonely. Due to selfishness, ignorance, pride, and unforgiving spirit…
Deborah: Na wa o…make person no kuku marry now… make I just find one man wey go giv me pikin na… (This is serious. Maybe I should not get married then. Will just have a kid from a man)
Aunty Nike: There you go again; you are a girl. I know why you have not been found.
Deborah: See, Aunty, I have been praying and fasting…
Aunty Nike: That is not the first thing you need. What you need to do first, is to renew your mind with God’s word daily and read a lot of good books to prepare for marriage. Get on KHC and devour those devotionals!
Deborah: Aunty, fasting, and praying is important. I even go to the mountains to do dry fasting.
Aunty Nike: After you fast and pray, the man shows up, and then you drive him away with your ‘girlish’ attitudes and dispositions!
Deborah: Aunty!
Aunty Nike: You need to become a wife first. You need knowledge. A man of knowledge increases strength! You need to be informed and be prepared. You need to understand what marriage is. You need to know that marriage is not just a contract but a covenant.
Deborah: How do I do all that?
Aunty Nike: Renew your mind by reading God’s word daily. Follow KHC devotionals daily and learn all you can learn. Be prepared. Become a wife in your heart, not by offering sex to keep a man.
Deborah: No sex, Aunty?
Aunty Nike: None of that until after marriage!
Deborah: So how do I test what I am going for?
Aunty Nike: Another reason you have not been found. If anybody finds you like this, he is a boy, not a man, and he is looking for fun, not commitment!
Deborah: So how do I test if we are compatible?
Aunty Nike: Oh, since you have been testing, where has it gotten you? And what is your standard for compatibility? And after testing, how do you know if he is compatible or not? And if he is not, you look for the next man to sleep with? How many people will you keep on testing for compatibility? You will just discover one day you are fifty and you are still testing!
Deborah: Aunty, don’t be harsh.
Aunty Nike: You need to become a wife, dear. The scripture cannot be broken. It is ‘he that findeth a wife… It is better to trust God for direction rather than turn yourself to a testing ground.
Deborah: It is well
Aunty Nike: Go get books to read. Get a mentor to take you through. Read your Bible daily. Then pray for direction. God will surely help you. You will be found. The man will not only be handsome, but he will also be so anointed to the teeth! When he smiles, you will fall under the anointing!
Deborah: Aunty!!!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will be found by the right man
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, make me a wife
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22 NLT)
When God will send help, He will use men. Appreciate people and don’t bang or kick at doors, if you must close doors, close them gently.
You might still need to pass through the same doors some years down the line. So, don’t take the doors off the hinges or the hinges off the door!
7. Decide to be nice.
Be ready to offer help when you can. Learn to relax and smile. You are not the only one that has issues, so don’t stamp them on your forehead. Don’t walk with your shoulder down like all the problems of the world are on you.
Don’t get so depressed because you have no suitors to the point that your countenance is sending them away without knowing!
Joh 15:12 (KJV) This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
8. Decide to stay where you are appreciated and not where you are just tolerated.
Everybody wants to be appreciated. Our dog, Shady, would refuse to eat when you scream at her. How much more, humans! Don’t let men trample on you and your esteem. Don’t sell your body for money. Maintain your dignity.
1Ti 4:12 (KJV) Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.
9. Decide to be humble.
Remove every shoulder pad because God is just starting with you. The last miracle you got is the least God can do in your life. Stay humble. God resists and opposes the proud. He exalts the humble.
Thank God for every breakthrough and don’t let it get into your head. Don’t stop going to church because of a couple of millions in your account!
Jas 4:6 (KJV) But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
10. Decide to be a giver.
Never ignore opportunities to give! Fulfill your vows. Don’t joke with your tithes. Be a kingdom investor and you will see more coming your way! It never fails.
Pro 11:24 (KJV) There is that scattereth, and yet increaseth;and there is that withholdeth more than is meet, but it tendeth to poverty.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I chose to make quality decisions that will advance my life.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to be disciplined with my decisions.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Galatians 5:16, NLT: “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.”
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY What decisions are you taking today?
A lot of singles and married couples are often caught up in the hustles and bustles of life and become distracted. Here is a reminder list of what you should do regularly to each other and how to go about it.
1. Pray for him.Pray for her.
Let it be genuine. This helps you to harness the help of God to come to bear for you. Genuine prayers for each other will go a long way to keep you together. Minimize the quarrels and maximize the times for prayers.
2. Call each other daily.
Whether you will see each other later in the day is not the issue, the issue is that communication is the live wire of any relationship or marriage that will survive. Keep in touch. Send SMS. Use chats.
3. Exchange gifts regularly.
It doesn’t have to be expensive! But let it be touching. Notice what I wrote, exchange gifts; not collect gifts! Those little gestures help to keep the fire of your relationship and marriage aflame.
4. Share with him or her what God is dealing with you in His word.
Whatever God tells you in your devotion or in your personal walk with God, will also bless him or her as long as it blesses you. You don’t have to make it look like you are in another service when you want to do that, but you make it as natural as possible.
5. Encourage one another.
You are his number one fan. You are her number one fan. Don’t discourage each other. Don’t dissipate your energy on criticism. Be aware that your input goes a long way because you are the closest person.
6. Forgive each other so that your heavenly father will forgive you also.
You are not perfect, are you? So don’t become a judge, rather lovingly overlook and forget any mistakes that are meant to show up.
7. Let corrections be done in love.
Do you know it takes up to nine affirming statements to be able to accommodate and see one criticism as it should be seen? But you know what people do is give nine brutally critical statements and one or none of affirming statements. It will not yield any positive result like that.
8. Seek to help each other in obeying God’s instructions.
You are the greatest influence. Don’t encourage him or her to sin. Stand on the path of truth and help him or her to resist temptations.
9. Don’t feed each other’s weaknesses.
Rather, you should balance him or her out, because you will always have the strength and in areas where he or she is weak. Be available to help him stand. Be there to help her say No to iniquity. Don’t be seen as a partner in crime, or partner in iniquity. Let him or her be able to say, I trust my fiancé/fiancée/spouse; he will never compromise. Trust one another and protect your trust.
10. Make sure you have a mentor you talk to from time to time.
Sometimes, the very intense issues and disagreements are dissolved with a few statements. Well, that is the grace of God upon our lives and upon this ministry; to provide positive intervention in crisis-laden marriages and to provide godly counsels for those in courtship.
Accountability to those who have done what you are trying to do is a lot of wisdom. Stay close with these devotionals that have been a succor to a lot of marriages and relationships across the world, discuss it from time to time and keep on making adjustments! So help us God!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will apply discretion in every area of my relationship and marriage as God helps me. I seek help regularly.
PRAYERS FOR THE DAY Lord, I ask that you give me wisdom and understanding in my relationship and in Jesus name.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Colossians 3:15 MSG Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Learn to discuss regularly with your fiance/fiancee
2Sa 8:15 ERV – David ruled over all Israel, and he made good and fair decisions for all of his people.
This morning, I want to write to you by the Spirit of God on a few things you can do that are guaranteed to turn your life around for good. Life is about decisions!
Think about yesterday and look back at the number of decisions you made alone yesterday.
The life you are living now is a consequence of the decisions of yester-years. The life you will live tomorrow is a springboard from the decisions you are making today.
Every MAN has M-A-N seasons. That is Morning, Afternoon, and Night!
The problem is that the consequences of bad decisions made in the morning of one’s life do not show until nighttime!
You are probably in the afternoon season of your life now. The mistake of the morning season does not fixate you into a permanent regret night-time.
You can change what your tomorrow will look like with strong decisions.
The challenge behind making decisions is that habits and comfort zones will be confronted, most times painfully. But it is the price you must pay to move forward.
If you want a different result in your life, you cannot continue to do things the way you have been doing them.
Here are the decisions to make. The list is not exhaustive, however.
1. Decide to have a relationship with God.
You cannot go far without this. Your life could be ended with a gentle breeze like when you blow off a candle-light, and that would be it. Fear Him who created you and have kept you alive! Be grateful for the gift of life by giving your life back to Him!
Mat 10:28 (MSG) “Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.
2. Decide to fellowship with God daily.
You need that daily renewal and rejuvenation or you will soon be wearied. Weariness at its peak can bring suicidal feelings. Be wise!
Isa 40:31 (MSG) But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.
3. Always seek the help of the Holy Spirit.
As a believer, you have been configured to succeed only with His help. Without Him, you will not have dominion over sin.
Gal 5:16 (KJV) This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.
4. Decide to be accountable.
Don’t live your life recklessly. Deliberately get a mentor or pastor over your life. That is how you are preserved. Get somebody over your life that you can call on the phone anytime for wisdom! Stay in touch with that person. Give to him. Pray for him. That is how to be a good protégée.
1Ti 4:14 (TPT) Don’t minimize the powerful gift that operates in your life, for it was imparted to you by the laying on of hands of the elders and was activated through the prophecy they spoke over you.
5. Decide to stay off iniquity.
Don’t cut yourself short and jeopardize your destiny because of exuberance. Zip up! Stay away from all sexual sins. Be a man, not a boy! Ladies, preserve your virtue! Stay faithful to your spouse. Don’t trifle with pre-marital sex!
2Ti 2:19 (KJV) Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, Let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity.
I will stop here and continue tomorrow.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I chose to make quality decisions that will advance my life.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to be disciplined with my decisions.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Galatians 5:16, NLT: “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.”
Pro 13:2-3 KJV (2) A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth: but the soul of the transgressors shall eat violence. (3) He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.
I want to write about something important this morning. It is a principle of the scripture and that which guarantees us daily victory in our daily work, in our relationship, marriage, and life generally.
It is what you say with your mouth. What you say with your mouth is very important because it will literarily give direction to your life! The words you say with your mouth are so powerful that they will overwhelm your life and seek to control the events of your life and love affair.
I believe it is for this reason that Jesus Christ said:
Joh 6:63 KJV It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.
When you were born, you needed to make a sound. That would be the sign of life. If a baby refuses to make sounds, he gets some spankings. As the baby grows into a toddler, everybody expects the baby to start talking.
Words are formed eventually and that becomes a sign of growth. You needed to ask a lady out and she needed to respond with words before marriage can happen. Nobody proposes or reply a proposal with silence.
On the wedding day, vows of words are exchanged and those words are terms of the marital covenant. In a marital affair, constant, loving words must go on or the marriage will die. That is how important words could be.
To give your life to Jesus, some words must be confessed and that would be it! In the Spirit realm, words are so important and the devil knows this. That is why he seeks to feed you with negative thoughts so that you can verbalize them. The moment you verbalize that negativity, it becomes your experience. That will not be your portion in Jesus name.
So the question this morning is “what are you saying?”
The scripture above says when you keep your mouth, you keep your life. Watch what you say!
Don’t make statements like:
“I don’t even understand my life.” (You will never understand it when you keep saying that)
“I am very confused” (You just invited the spirit behind confusion to have legal entry into your soul)
“I think there is a curse working against me” (You just empowered the devil to operate)
Never say the wrong words. Never use wrong words on your fiancée or your spouse!
Don’t say words like, “you are very stupid!”
Don’t say to your wife that she is slow.
Don’t call your husband an irresponsible man.
Potential Wife, don’t cut your potential husband into two with your mouth. There is a difference between a wife and a knife!
Husbands-to-be, don’t hurt and wound your wife-to-be with insensitive words, words mean a lot to them.
There are parents who call their children, “coconut head!”
How will the child be brilliant with that prophecy when you know the only thing inside a coconut is water? Or don’t you know that as parents, whatever you call your children is like a prophecy into their future?
Don’t say to your wife, “Fat lazy woman, you were once slim and beautiful when I found you, but now, you are….” Guess who turned her that way? Rather than say that, go and enroll her in a gym!
Don’t say to your husband, “It is the greatest error of my life marrying you,” I regret ever knowing you!” Rather than say that, pray for him, because you are one!
As singles, if you are enduring verbal abuse daily, don’t close your eyes and walk like a zombie into that relationship. Seek help, because he might not change, in fact, it will often get worse after marriage because marriage doesn’t change anybody.
If the lady you want to marry is always shutting you down for whatever reason, it is defective, seek help and seek counseling!
Words are very important! Don’t tell me somebody loves you when he or she tears you apart with words that demotivate and weaken you daily!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am speaking the right words to help my love affair
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Pray that God will give you the wisdom to speak rightly always.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Pro 10:19 MSG The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Analyze your love affair and check if you have been speaking the right words
Sade is deeply in love with Andy. They both looked forward to marriage. But deep down in her mind, there are doubts. She didn’t know what to do with the doubts.
George and Sandy are seeing each other. For him, Sandy is beautiful, but this nagging feeling about something not being right was always there.
Betty and Buddy are married. They had a little boy and everybody thought their marriage is a beautiful one, but they are beginning to question whether they are meant for each other.
This morning, I will like to address the issue of doubts in relationships. What do you do with these doubts?
When do doubts occur in a relationship or marriage? These are some instances.
1 When a relationship is not of God and God is trying to get your attention.
2 When a relationship is of God, but the devil wants to confuse you so as to miss God’s will.
3 When your expectation for marriage are unrealistic and your expectations are not being met.
4 When you get involved in sexual sins, and then confusion enters the soul because God’s order has been violated. The devil will take advantage of the situation and bring confusion unless you quickly ask God for forgiveness and then repent genuinely.
5 When your perspective to life and marriage is warped, you will have doubts about a relationship or marriage, even when it is in God’s plan.
6 When you begin a relationship or go into a marriage without duly asking for God’s direction.
7 When all you did before a relationship or marriage is seeking some prophet or guidance without a personal inner conviction.
8 When you begin a relationship or go into a marriage as escapism from what you have just been through.
9 When all authority figures in your life are against your relationships and marriage. Along the way, doubts will arise.
10 When serious challenges arise along the way, and you cannot handle them properly, you will begin to doubt.
The next question is can doubt be completely eliminated? The answer is a big NO! You see, you are still in the days of your flesh, and doubts will still attempt to come into your heart, but when you have heard God, you will easily dispel the doubt!
Remember Jesus Christ? Doubts began to come at the garden of Gethsemane when the agony of what was ahead overwhelmed him.
The next question is what do I do to guard against doubts?
1 Never take a step until you are sure it is God’s plan.
That way, when doubts arise, you will easily identify the source and then you can deal with it. You will know that the doubt is coming to fight you out of God’s will and you will resist it.
But when you are not sure whether it was God or not in the first place, when doubts arise along the way, you are unsure of how to handle it, because inner conviction is absent.
2 Better be late than be wrong!
Don’t be hasty. Don’t fall in love senselessly.
3 Listen to all authority figures in your life, Pastors, Parents, Mentors et cetera.
While they are not supposed to decide for you, God can often speak through them to warn you about steps you are about to take. Do not despise or disregard their wisdom.
4 Learn to read and study God’s word regularly.
It brings you the wisdom that stabilizes your soul.
The next question is what if I am already in doubt?
1. Go back to God to confirm what He said in the first place.
There is nothing wrong with hearing God again.
God hath spoken once; twice have I heard this (Psalms 62:11 KJV)
2. Take time to stay in God’s presence and you will hear Him again.
Sometimes you might have to fast to get your mind quiet.
3. Stay away from every sin.
Ask God to forgive you if you are hooked up with masturbation, pornography, pre-marital sex, or some other sexual perversion.
4. If you are married and doubt is arising, the thing to do is not to give up and start seeking a divorce.
You are already one and the scripture does not advocate divorce as the first option unless in extreme cases where your life is being threatened. So, go back to God and pray, for there is nothing impossible with Him.
5. Learn to pray together.
When you don’t pray, unnecessary issues will arise often and destabilize you.
The last question is how can I be sure a decision is of God?
When a decision you are about to take or have taken is of God, you will have peace. It is an unexplainable peace that doesn’t seem to line up with physical reality sometimes, but the peace will be there that tells you all is well. When this peace is absent, never go ahead with that decision.
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7 KJV)
I pray for you this morning that God will keep your hearts indeed by His peace!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will not miss it.
PRAYERS FOR THE DAY Lord, surround me with your peace.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7 ESV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Pray through before making that decision
