Sometimes, when someone does something we don’t like or aren’t used to, we start labeling it a “red flag.” For instance, we’re like, They’re too quiet, too deep, too serious, too ‘into God.” Or they’re not texting fast enough. They don’t talk the way we expect. They have boundaries we’re not used to. And boom, immediately we tag it a red flag.
But here’s the truth: not everything that feels uncomfortable is a red flag. Sometimes it’s just unfamiliar. Sometimes it’s challenging your unhealed parts. Sometimes it’s healthy, but unhealed wounds, maybe from past relationships, just make it feel “off.”
On the other side, we can also miss the real red flags because they come in a nice package. Good vibes. Easy conversations. Physical attraction. Maybe even church attendance. But beneath all that, there’s inconsistency, lack of growth, poor character, and zero spiritual leadership. We ignore it simply because they “get us,” or because we’re already emotionally invested.
And this is how people end up in relationships/marriages where they thought they picked a green flag, only to realize it was painted red the whole time.
Here are real red flags that should not be ignored:
1. They say they love God, but their life says otherwise. If someone consistently minimizes faith, mocks spiritual things, or lives in unrepentant sin, that’s not just a “difference”—that’s direction. Love is hard to grow when you’re walking in opposite directions.
2. They charm in public, but control in private. Emotional manipulation often wears a smile. If they make you feel small, confused, guilty, or constantly responsible for their emotions, you’re not building love, you’re managing dysfunction.
3. There’s no accountability, no mentorship, no godly voice they submit to. If no one can speak into their life, correct them, or call them out, you eventually won’t be able to either. Humility is essential in a God-honoring relationship.
4. They’re always hiding something. Secrets, double lives, half-truths, or silence when transparency is needed—this will slowly erode trust. Trust is hard to build, and easy to break.
So before you write someone off, ask: Is this truly a red flag or just something unfamiliar or different from what I imagined? And before you commit, ask: Is this genuinely right, or does it just feel good right now?
Sometimes, what feels “off” at first is just new and worth giving space to grow. And sometimes what feels “right” in the moment is just familiar but not necessarily healthy.
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
It’s not just about guarding your heart out of fear. It’s about inviting God to shape your lens so you see and not overlook something good… or settle for something that simply looks good.
Several things should be considered before signing the dotted lines with anybody. I have outlined four of them, which I hope you’ll find useful.
1. Hear God.
Yes, that has to be the first thing. Make sure you hear God audibly. Make sure God is the one leading you into that marriage.
Do you know why?
Matt 7:25-27 [ESV] And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Both houses faced the same test. Whether you heard God or you heard yourself, there would be challenges. If you are sure God led you to the relationship or marriage, you can navigate those challenges together.
And if you are married already, go back to where God spoke to you about him or her. Replay those encounters in your mind. It will shoot some adrenaline into you and give the desired energy to forge ahead.
2. Get your company involved
Everyone has a company, a group of people that share similar beliefs. Don’t do a relationship in isolation. Get them involved. Carry them along. Any relationship that aims to isolate you from your company (if it’s a good company)is a red flag.
Sometimes, we get tired of running alone. Sometimes, we need someone or some people to cheer us on. That is what your company is for.
Acts 4:23 [NKJV] And being let go, they went to their own companions and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them.
If you are in the wrong company, receive the strength to exit.
3. Create boundaries
Oh yes, this has to be on the list. You need to create boundaries. A relationship with no set boundaries will settle for anything, including things that don’t reflect godly purity.
You both need to sit and talk. How far can we go? Who can we allow access to our lives? When do we call it a day, by 2 am?
Even as a couple, you need to set boundaries. Who can stay over at your place? How much influence will parents have?
Don’t just assume these issues will sort themselves out. Talk about it and take a stand.
4. Have a defined goal
If you don’t define your relationship, you will abuse it. Why I’m I in a relationship with this person? What do we want to achieve in this marriage?
The cinemas and outings are good, but be sure to ask definite questions along the way.
Ask for short and long-term goals. With that, you will know if you fit or not.
Even if you heard God, the relationship still has to be defined. How long is this relationship going to last? Don’t assume it will lead to marriage; ask.
It’s not the grand gestures that keep love alive. It’s the little things.
A “How was your day?” asked with real interest.
A hand squeezed during a stressful moment.
A text that says, “I’m thinking about you.”
A back rub when no one asks for it. For couples only!
A sincere “thank you” after dinner. Couples too.
Little things.
But they matter in the equation of love.
While we are waiting for big moments to express our love, the little foxes are eating away the love, night after night.
Because love doesn’t fall apart overnight. It crumbles in the absence of the small, daily signs that say, “You still matter to me.”
And love doesn’t flourish from once-in-a-year surprises—it grows with consistent, quiet care.
Sometimes we wait for the perfect time to express love:
“I’ll take her out next month.”
“I’ll say something nice when things are less tense.”
“I’ll start being intentional when I feel more appreciated.”
But the best time is now.
More so, the grand surprises soon lose their bite/flavour in the absence of the daily small acts of love—acts that say, “I see you,” “I care about you.”
So, intentionally start working on the little, ordinary expressions of love. That may be the fix you need now.
Love is fed by the ordinary. The unplanned. The unseen.
And if you keep showing up in the small ways, the big moments will take care of themselves.
So, don’t wait for love to feel big. Make it small and meaningful—again and again.
That’s how hearts stay close. That’s how relationships last.
God’s will for man has always been rooted in purpose, growth, and dominion. In the very beginning, He declared His intent in Genesis 1:28: “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion…” This wasn’t just a suggestion. It was a divine mandate to increase, grow, and take charge.
God is not interested in giving us physical increase at the expense of our souls. His desire is that our growth begins from the inside out. “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth” (3 John 1:2). Before we ask for blessings, breakthroughs, or expansion, God wants our souls to mature in Him.
Many times, delays in certain areas of our lives are not because we aren’t praying or working hard. It’s not that God is deaf to our cries. Sometimes, it’s simply because our inner man is not yet ready to steward the increase we are asking for. God, in His mercy, withholds what could destroy us.
Apostle Paul captures this in 1 Corinthians 3:6-7: “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow.” Increase is a process. Planting must take place. Watering must follow. Then, God releases growth. When there is a lack of spiritual preparation, increase can become a burden rather than a blessing.
Galatians 4:1 says: “As long as the heir is a child, he differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all.” God doesn’t release dominion to spiritual infants. He waits for sons and daughters who are ready to grow in wisdom, faith, and intimacy with Him.
So, what seed are you planting today? What steps are you taking to grow spiritually? Are you preparing your soul for the increase God desires to bring?
I charge you to seek God’s will first, because when the soul prospers, increase follows.
If conversations devolve into yelling matches, silent treatments, or complete avoidance, communication has likely collapsed. Healthy dialogue is the lifeblood of any marriage. James 1:19 advises, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” A therapist can teach effective communication skills to bridge the gap between spouses.
6. Abuse Is Present
Any form of abuse—physical, emotional, verbal, or financial—is unacceptable and requires immediate attention. Safety must always come first. If abuse is occurring, seek therapy professionally and consider protective measures. Matthew 7:12 teaches, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” No one deserves to live in fear, and therapy can help victims find healing while holding abusers accountable.
7. Life Transitions Are Overwhelming the Relationship
Major life changes—such as job loss, health crises, the birth of a child, or grief—can strain even the strongest marriages. When these transitions spiral into conflict or resentment, therapy offers support and strategies to navigate the challenges together. Philippians 4:6 encourages, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.”
8. One Partner Refuses to Engage
If one spouse has emotionally checked out or refuses to work on the marriage, therapy becomes essential. Even if only one partner initially participates, counseling can provide clarity, healing, and insight into the next steps. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 emphasizes teamwork: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.”
Why Early Intervention Matters
Waiting too long to address marital problems can lead to irreparable damage. The earlier you seek therapy, the greater the chances of restoring your relationship. A licensed counselor or Christian therapist can offer biblical wisdom, practical tools, and compassionate guidance tailored to your unique situation. Learn more about how to seek therapy, counseling and courses Here
