Avoiding Bitterness in Relationships and Marriages
Bitterness is a slow killer. It does not always start with shouting or anger; sometimes it begins with quiet silence, a hurt tucked away, a memory you replay in your head. But as days pass, that hurt grows roots. And if left alone, those roots become chains.
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.Hebrews 12:15 (NIV)
Jesus warns us in Luke 12:58 to “try hard to be reconciled on the way.” It is a reminder that if we do not deal with offenses quickly, they become heavier, harder, and more destructive than they were at the beginning. What could have been settled with a conversation ends up becoming a wall between two hearts. That is how many relationships collapse — not because of huge betrayals, but because of small unresolved hurts that were left to fester.
So how do we truly avoid bitterness?
1. Guard your heart early.
Every relationship — whether friendship, courtship, or marriage — will come with offenses. People will say things they should not, or fail to meet your expectations. That is life. The danger is not in the offense itself, but in allowing it to sit in your heart. The longer you hold it in, the more it reshapes the way you see the person. What was once love and trust can quickly turn into suspicion and coldness. Guarding your heart means being intentional about not letting every wound linger there. Protect what flows from it.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23
2. Choose reconciliation over silence.
Many people think silence solves problems, but in reality, silence often buries them alive. And buried issues never die — they grow. In relationships, especially close ones, bitterness often comes from the words never spoken, the apologies never given, and the conversations avoided. Choosing reconciliation means being willing to face the discomfort of difficult conversations so that peace can be restored. Silence feels easier in the moment, but it only pushes hearts further apart.
“If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.” – Matthew 18:15
3. Forgive again and again.
Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it is a discipline. There will be times in relationships when you forgive for small things — a careless word, a forgotten detail. And there will be bigger things too. Forgiveness does not erase the wrong, but it stops the wrong from poisoning your heart. Refusing to forgive makes you a prisoner of your own pain, but forgiving sets you free to love without bitterness. Real love cannot survive without constant forgiveness.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” – Colossians 3:13
One of the weapons the devil uses against many homes and marriages is offence.
Husbands and wives are usually different because opposite will always attract. So maturity is practically handling whatever disrupt the unity in marriage.
Here are 5 ways you can start to use now to get you out of every form of offence.
1. Identify and Name the Trigger
Keep a small “trigger journal” for a week. Each time someone’s words affect your mood, write:
– What was said
– Who said it
– How did it make you feel
This helps you spot patterns — sometimes it’s not what is said, but how you interpret it.
2. Pause Before Reacting
When someone’s words sting, give yourself a 10-second mental buffer.
In that pause, ask: “Is this about me, or is it about them?”
Often, people’s words reveal their state of mind, not your worth.
3. Reframe the Words
Instead of taking the statement as an attack, reinterpret it in a less harmful way.
Example: If someone says, “You’re always late,” you might reframe it to, “They value punctuality, and I can work on timing.”
This isn’t about excusing rudeness — it’s about protecting your peace.
4. Strengthen Your Emotional Filters
Just like a house needs a strong door to keep out intruders, your heart needs a filter to keep out unnecessary offense.
Daily affirmations help here. Example:
– “I choose not to take offense today.”
– “My worth is not decided by anyone’s opinion.”
This slowly rewires how much power people’s words have over you.
5. Practice Mood Recovery
Even if words hurt, you can shorten how long you stay moody by:
– Stepping away to breathe deeply for 3–5 minutes.
– Listening to music that lifts you.
– Reciting a favorite scripture (e.g., “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.” – Psalm 119:165
Try these steps and trust God for a better version of you this week.
There is a difference between guarding your heart and hardening it, but truth be told, many of us confuse the two. Especially as singles, after being let down too many times, we slowly start to shut the doors of our hearts. We start to believe the safest version of love is to not love at all. We say we are “protecting our peace,” but really, we are hiding behind emotional walls that God never asked us to build.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
When God says, “guard your heart,” He is not telling you to lock yourself away. He is inviting you to watch over what shapes you, what you absorb, what you dwell on, and who you allow to influence your soul. Guarding your heart is not about withdrawing from people or burying your feelings. It is about living wisely—with discernment, not with fear. Because everything flows from your heart: your decisions, your relationships, your self-worth, even your prayers. So, if the heart is that central, it makes sense to tend to it with care.
But sometimes, especially when you have loved deeply or been hurt silently, building walls feels safer. Walls protect you from disappointment. From rejection. From hoping again. But walls also block out healing. They keep out the people God may actually be sending. And the thing is, when you shut off one part of your heart to avoid getting hurt, other parts start to go quiet too. You may think you are just blocking out people or pain, but over time, you can start to feel distant from God too. Not because He left, but because your heart is no longer open. Numbness does not come with a filter—it dulls everything, even the voice of the One trying to heal you.
So how do you guard your heart the right way?
It starts with remembering who you are. You are not ordinary, and your heart is not something to be handled casually. You were bought at a high price — the blood of Jesus. That alone speaks of your worth. When you truly see your value, you stop handing out deep access to people who have only shown surface interest. Just because someone is available or attracted to you does not mean they are meant to carry your heart. That is not pride, it is wisdom. Guarding your heart means being careful with what is sacred, not shutting down, but choosing who truly deserves to come close.
Guarding your heart also looks like staying open with God. A guarded heart is not a disconnected one. It is a heart that remains soft in His presence—even if it feels vulnerable. It is crying when you are tired of waiting, journaling when you do not understand what He is doing, and worshipping even when your emotions feel like a mess. It is letting Him touch the places no one else sees. That is guarding with grace.
It also means slowing down. In a culture that rushes relationships and pressures people to define everything quickly, guarding your heart means giving things time to unfold. You are not in a hurry. When something is from God, it will not require you to lose your peace to keep it. You do not need to overshare, overthink, or overextend to keep someone interested. You are allowed to take your time.
Finally, guarding your heart means trusting God more than your fears. Let’s be real: sometimes, we build walls because we do not fully trust that God will protect us if we try again. But His love is not only for eternity. It is for now, too, and if He asks you to guard your heart, it is because He plans to fill it with purpose, joy, and, yes, even love. But He needs you to be whole enough to receive it.
So in conclusion, do not go cold. Just grow guarded in the right way. Not closed off, just careful. Not anxious, just wise. Stay soft, but with boundaries. Let discernment, not fear, lead you. Because fear shuts you in, but discernment keeps you open to the life and love God still has for you.
Are you a minister, pastor, church worker, or leader who lives in Ibadan? You are cordially invited to “Equip” a Minister’s Conference with Rev Femi Oduwole and Rev Gbeminiyi Eboda as part of our 9th anniversary convention.
Rev Dunamis and Sophia Okunowo will also be hosting us. Attendance is free, but registration is required. Kindly register HERE
Don’t miss it. Spread the word!
There’s a reason God sometimes delays the kind of love you think you’re ready for. God is more concerned about your heart than your relationship status. Many people rush into love thinking it will heal the wounds they have faced, i.e, loneliness, rejection, heartbreak, and fear. The truth is, love doesn’t heal you. God is the only healer of body and soul.
When you don’t give God access to your broken places, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you. You will expect your partner to fill voids only God was meant to satisfy. That’s why some relationships feel like cycles of disappointment because what you’re really craving is healing, not romance.
Before Adam ever received Eve, he was whole, walking with God, working, and worshipping. It was in that place of completeness that God decided it was not good for him to be alone. He didn’t say Adam was lonely. He said he was ready.
Meanwhile, being healed before dating doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means you’ve let God into the mess to allow Him to make sense out of your story, and you’re no longer depending on someone else to fix you. Relationships thrive when two whole people meet, not when two broken hearts try to make each other breathe.
God is not punishing you by keeping you single. He’s preparing you. Don’t despise the season of healing. It is the foundation for the love story you’re praying for. As Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Let Him bind up yours.
When you let God heal you, you stop chasing temporary affection and start attracting purpose-aligned love, and that’s the kind of relationship worth waiting for.
Last week, we explored “love and boundaries,” and this week, I wish to further develop that discourse by examining how Jesus approached boundaries. Ready?
If you missed last week’s article, you can read it HERE.
Love doesn’t mean losing yourself. No, it doesn’t. Jesus is the embodiment of perfect love, yet He lived with boundaries while on earth.
He didn’t attend to every request. He didn’t go where everyone wanted Him to go. He didn’t let people define His purpose or dictate His pace.
That’s not pride. That’s wisdom.
Take a moment and imagine this: if Jesus, who could heal, raise the dead, and preach better than anyone, said “no” sometimes and walked away sometimes, then why do we think love means saying yes to everything and everyone?
Let’s see a few instances of how Jesus handled pressure:
1. He said “No” to people’s demands.
When a crowd begged Him to stay and keep performing miracles, He told them no.
“I must go and preach elsewhere,” He said in Luke 4:42-43.
Love isn’t always staying. Sometimes it’s knowing when to move.
2. He walked away to rest.
Jesus often left the crowd — even needy, desperate crowds — to pray and recharge (Mark 1:35).
Love isn’t burnout. You can care deeply and still take time to breathe.
3. He guarded His mission.
When Peter tried to talk Him out of the cross, Jesus didn’t sugarcoat it: “Get behind me, Satan.”
That wasn’t rudeness. That was clarity. Boundaries protect purpose.
So here’s the lesson:
You can love someone and still set limits.
You can serve others and still guard your peace.
You can give generously without giving away your values.
Boundaries aren’t unloving.
They’re how we love well — with wisdom, not exhaustion.
And if Jesus had them, so should we.
Do you have boundaries in your life—both your love life and generally? Work out something today.
