I will be addressing the issue of how husbands and wives can handle stress in marriage thereby creating a more cordial and intimate atmosphere together.
I will be writing about this topic “Stress in marriage” for some days so let enjoy the ride together.
Yesterday I wrote on
1. Financial pressure
2. Handling in-laws
And today
3. Comparison trap
Bible tells us they that compare themselves with themselves are not wise.
In the NLT we have another translation:
Oh, don’t worry; we wouldn’t dare say that we are as wonderful as these other men who tell you how important they are! But they are only comparing themselves with reaching other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant! 2 Corinthians 10:12 NLT
It is clear from the scripture that end result of comparison is usually not palatable. Why is this? Because it is a futile effort. It is wasting precious resources of time and energy. There are no basis for comparison.
Some people compare their spouses, children, jobs, possessions, cars etc When you form the bad habit of comparing you compare everything and anything.
Everybody is uniquely different, on a uniquely different journey, on a different time table in life and destiny.
We are all from different background with different circumstances.
When you compare, you introduce stress into your marriage. It produces a strain in your relationship. So stop comparing.
4. Doing beyond our selves.
This is like stretching ourselves beyond what we could do naturally. We need to be true to ourselves. Being truthful and sincere to ourselves is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.
Where you know and accept your limits and you know your boundaries. You know the stage you are in, enjoy the stage not allowing anybody to push you beyond where you are.
Knowing what stage you are makes you aspire higher knowing that men are in sizes.
As couples, don’t forget we will all go through 3 stages on our married life. Seasons of not enough, Just enough and more than enough.
When you are in your season of ‘just enough’, don’t let people push you to doing like you are in more than enough season
I will stop here for today
May God grant us more understanding.
God bless our marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am a wise spouse. I know how to relate with people.
PRAYERS FOR THE DAY Lord, give me wisdom
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Stress can simply be defined as a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.
This definition helps us to understand that stress is a tension or strain and it could be mental or emotional. It could also be physical or spiritual.
Jesus talked about those who are weary and heavy laden
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 NLT
Usually, since we are spirit beings, any strain on our spiritual life will have a way of impacting our whole being. Whatever affects our relationship with God affect the whole of our being.
Chief among the things that causes stress or strain on our relationship with God is sin.
So it’s possible, to have an unconfessed sin in your life and be doing through stress as a result.
Or maybe we fail to put our trust in God, or maybe we are walking in the flesh or not following the leading or guidance of the Holy spirit. All this causes us stress which will eventually cause a strain in our marriage.
A good example of this is when Abram and Sarah decided to get pregnant by Hagar and gave birth to Ishamel. There was so much strain and tension in the marriage.
Anger, strife, malice, not walking in love and all other works of the flesh also causes stress in marriage
There are some other stressors in marriage that are not as a result of sin but are the once we put on ourselves.
I will mention a few of them.
1. Financial pressure 2. Dealing with in-laws 3. Comparison 4. Doing beyond ourselves 5. Not minding our business 6. Not being able to say No 7. Being Unforgiving to our spouse 8. Not being open and transparent. 9. Unrealistic expectations 10. Ungratefulness
Now let’s handle these stressors one by name. To open our eyes to how these simple issues can bring about and cause a lot of stress to our marriage thereby causing a strain in our relationship with our loved one.
1. Financial pressures and not being able to manage our finances.
We know that money answereth all things
A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things. Ecclesiastes 10:19 KJV.
Our ability to cut our coat according to our cloth will go a long way to determine whether we will be putting a lot of stress on our marriage or not.
Delaying gratification, being able to save a little portion for the rainy day no matter his small, being prudent, living on a budget and not being sentimental are all very good virtues.
2. Dealing with in-laws.
This requires a lot of wisdom, tact, patience and working together with your spouse to make sure you are always together on the same page. The most important person in this equation is your spouse. The covenant of marriage places your spouse above your parents.
You honor your parents, bible is very clear about that but you also don’t dishonor your spouse for the sake of your parents or in-laws. There is no one answer fits all but whichever way, follow the bible and follow the Holy spirit guidelines.
There may be times you have to sacrifice beyond what you normally would have, if you are sure God is leading you, obey. God usually rewards such acts tremendously.
Let me stop here today. I will continue tomorrow by God grace.
May God grant us more understanding beyond this teaching.
God bless our marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am a wise spouse. I know how to relate with people.
PRAYERS FOR THE DAY Lord, give me wisdom
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
We are constantly on a journey of improving ourselves better and our skills as husbands and wives. I said skills because it takes mastering the skills of living successfully with each other.
There’s an art of talking, listening, being tolerant, handling in-laws, handling finances, being romantic, being kind and generous, being submissive to one another, praying together. They are all arts that have to be mastered in marriage.
Always remember that the marriage is made up of individuals with different ideas, opinions, viewpoints, and different ways of reasoning. Give each other space to express their individuality in the context of marriage.
Challenging each other to be better is first of all recognizing each other’s uniqueness. It is not about making your spouse your puppet, where all initiatives are dead, but about recognizing your differences and appreciating them.
You should draw each other closer to God. A closer walk with God will make the couple better, they will make one another better spouse. Encourage each other on their daily study of the word, meditation in the word, obedience to the word which is very important.
Obeying the word you read or doing what God ask you to do is more important than reading the word. Encouraging each other to have quality time alone with God is very essential not just in becoming a better christian but in becoming a better spouse.
‘And we beholding him are being transformed from one level of glory to another as by one spirit’. That is God’s word. The transformation occurs in our spirit and it is evident in our outward lives.
Rom 12:1 (Amp) “I appeal to you therefore, brethren and beg of you in view of (all) the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies (presenting all your members and faculties) as a living sacrifice holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God which is your reasonable ( rational intelligent) s ice and spiritual worship.
As you obey God, your marriage will begin to take a new toll. Marriage in the eyes of God cannot and is not meant to be lived by an non-spiritual person. It takes being spiritual and dead to the flesh to have a successful marriage.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will be exalted because God exalts the humble.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, surround me with people that will aid my destiny in Jesus name.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. (Proverbs 13:20 KJV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Discuss who you will be accountable to.
Good morning everybody, we are continuing our topic of love language in marriage. Couples should go all out to speak the language of their spouse unreservedly since our aim in marriage is to place our spouse.
It will be good to always look for creative ways to speak the love language our spouse understands. Marriage is a place where we serve each other. We don’t think of ourselves first. We allow and trust God through our spouse to take care of us
That is why it becomes imperative for us to learn and understand our spouse love language.
3. Words of Affirmation
Here, words mean a big deal to your spouse. In speaking his/her love language, you want to be careful of what is said, how it is said, when it is said, your body language, your tone, pitch and everything surrounding the words you say.
Here, it means a lot to your spouse when you give words of encouragement. Words that will uplift him/her. You might not be able to provide all the money in this world but your reassuring words makes them feel loved.
Your thoughtful words keeps him/her going. In times of stress, needs, bills to pay, weakness etc, your words are like magic.
Speaking negative, derogative, harsh and hard words or sermonizing or nagging your spouse could be counterproductive.
Please watch for those other than your spouse that speak gently, softly and tenderly to you. Avoid them, it could be a danger spit for the devil to exploit. An emotional affair could develop if you are not
discerning and careful.
Never look forward to anyone’s company or enjoy any ones company other than your spouse.
4. Quality time
If the love language of your spouse is quality time, then love mean time. Not only quantity but quality of time.
Your spouse will appreciate being present with him/her. Your presence and not just present matters to them.
Create memories. Go out for outings together, dinners, vacations, go to seminars together and just spend time together. However, what you spend your time on also matters.
Quality time means time of getting to know your spouse better, listening them talk, being sensitive to them, trying to understand them and knowing how to react and respond.
The lord will help is all. If could be challenging since usually opposite temperament will always attract and some time our love languages are different or we want our love language expressed in a different way from that of our spouse.
Our male female differences, the background we grew up in and other factors are responsible for this.
As a matter of rule, watch out for people of the opposite sex you spend too much time with.
5. Gifts
Your spouse feels love is not complete until it is expressed in buying of gifts. Something must be given to show you care. It has to cost you. More often than not, the thoughtfulness behind the given will mean more to your spouse. So its nor about the gift, but you taking the pains of know the appropriate gift to buy at what time or occasion. Example you wife just deliver a baby, and you got her a a sexy gown. She probably can’t even wear it because of breast feeding.
Find out our favorite color, scent, her size, her preference, her need. What is the point buying your wife high heels when she is pregnant or buying your husband an expensive office suitcase when he needs a belt and doesn’t go to office but works from home.
In all these love language, we all need the help of the holy spirit to lead and guide us. Lest our good works become evil spoken of. We get offended and not appreciated because it didn’t meet our deepest desire.
The holy spirit is our helper, when we call on him he will help us even in performing our duties of speaking our spouse’s love language.
May God grant us understanding.
God bless our marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I learn to speak my partners love language.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Pray for wisdom to speak the love language of your spouse
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Eph 5:25 ESVHusbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Speak your spouses’ love language
The concept of the five love languages is very popular. I have written about this topic before but it bears repetition. Sometimes, we think we know something until we hear it again and again.
We don’t fully understand a subject matter until we have taken time to think about it.
The topic of love languages in marriage is so important that the understanding of it will literally solve major issues of your marriage.
Every couple should take time out to ask themselves what their love languages are.
Love language by definition is just how you perceive love. It is the language spoken to you that makes you know that you are loved by that person.
For example, if the language you understand is English and someone is trying to communicate with you something important in Spanish, you will not understand nor respond as you ought because they are not speaking your language and you have not learnt that language.
The same thing happens in marriage. Love needs to be expressed for it to be appreciated. So if your wife or husband is speaking or communicating love to you in a language that is not what you speak or understand, you don’t feel their love.
There are basically 5 love languages. Studies have shown that you can have a combination of more than one love language. For further study, you can read Gary Chapman.
They are
1. Physical touch 2. Acts of service 3. Words of affirmation 4. Quality time 5. Gifts
Let’s begin with:
1. Physical touch
This love language is spoken not only in words, thoughts but more so by touching. For a person whose love language is physical touch, there must always be contact. Your spouse feels special when you touch them. You put your hands around their shoulders when talking to them and they feel loved. A kiss early in the morning, or a hug each time you see them, makes them feel fulfilled. My husband loves it when I stroke the back of his head whenever he is driving and I constantly touch him when we are together.
When your spouse’s love language is physical touch, even when he/she is angry and you speak this language, they calm down. Such spouse respond to touch and body contact a lot.
This is also a pointer to what is to be avoided by anybody that is not your spouse. It is easy to fall in love with anybody speaking your love language to you.
So with this knowledge also comes the responsibility of avoiding persons who want to speak your love language to you other than your spouse.
2. Acts of service
This is your love language when you love things to be done for you. You love it when your spouse helps you do your personal stuffs and also do for you what you are supposed to do.
For example, when your spouse helps you do your chores, helps with the kids, wash the car, do laundry or pay to help someone else do it for you.
It shows that your spouse is thoughtful and concerned. He/ she has not left you all alone to sweat it out, slave away or figure how to get your work done.
Some spouse enjoy work. In fact they have extra energy for work. That is the reason some people who are not disciplined and have this love language often fall on love with the house helps, messengers and the likes.
If your spouse is not speaking this language, you have to let them know it makes you feel loved. Let them make arrangements to someone to help out at a fee.
Let me stop here today.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I learn to speak my partners love language.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Pray for wisdom to speak the love language of your spouse
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Eph 5:25 ESVHusbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Speak your spouses’ love language
