So we learned how important communication is in marriage. Not just anyhow communication but husbands and wives should dedicate time and attention to proper and effective ways to communicate with each other.
It can’t be over-emphasized, that Intimacy in marriage can only be brought as we grow from one level of Communication to the other levels.
There are five levels of Communication. I started with the first level yesterday, which is Hallway talker. Today, I am continuing:
2. Reporter’s Talk
This level is a step further than the first. Here, the conversation moves from general talks to talking or giving facts or information about events. It is a reported kind of talk.
Here more information is given, but still, this kind of conversation does not promote intimacy. In level two communication, we do not express our opinions, thoughts, or how we feel about the subject matter.
If you are at this level two communication, your aim should be to move up and climb the steps of effective communication so that intimacy could be engendered.
Remember, level two communication is summarized; Just give me the facts.
3. Intellectual Talk
In this conversation level, your spouse is given the freedom to think differently. This is an amazing gift to give each other in marriage.
It is recognizing the fact that each one of you is a unique individual with a different perspective, viewpoint, and way of reasoning.
Marriage is trying to bring our way of thinking into alignment without suffocating the uniqueness of each other’s thinking. Two becoming one is choosing the best of our different thinking patterns and or merging our different opinions till we arrive at the best alternative.
When we recognize our weaknesses and strength and know that each one of us has a role and part to play and that neither of us is superior to another. We will honor each other and give each other the opportunity to air their opinions.
To be continued…
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY My marriage will be a blessing to many
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Oh Lord, teach me how to communicate effectively
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. –Jeremiah 33:3 (KJV)
There are five levels of Communication. A further read is encouraged on the subject of communication especially by the best selling author Gary Chapman. I am sure you will find it rewarding and worth your while.
1. The Hallway talker
In this type of conversation no intimacy is developed or worked at. This conversation doesn’t involve wanting to know the feeling or thought process or pattern of the other person. The conversation is on autodrive.
You have a particular way of response to what is said or asked. Example,
‘How are you doing?’.
‘Fine’.
‘How are the kids?’
They have gone to school.’
The essence of communicating with each other is develop intimacy. No deep communication, no intimacy. And intimacy is the essence of marriage.
Why am I married if I can’t enjoy love, acceptance, understanding, oneness, sincerity and transparency?
Every married couple, should aim at climbing the steps of communication to further develop the intimacy between them.
You can’t be involved in monosyllable answers and expect intimacy to be developed.
If couples are not careful or well discerning, twenty years of their marred life will pass so quickly and they will discover they have not improved on their communication and that they are still in the ‘hall way’ method of communicating.
They were distracted by work, a busy schedule, distracted with the children and yet each spouse were just coping and not really pleased with each other.
The children are grown and they are now left with each other to deal with the hurts piled up for so many years and not talked about.
May God in His mercy send help to us out of Zion in Jesus name.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I have the wisdom of God
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Oh Lord, help me to communicate well with my spouse
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Jer 33:3 (KJV)Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.
Communication is simply talking, but of cause, there are more things involved than just talking. A healthy conversation involves not just what is said but what is heard.
In essence, communication is a two way conversation which involves speaking and hearing. The two spouses must form the conscious habit of allowing the other spouse express himself or herself. While he/ she speaks, the other partner should be actively listening.
Not listening for pleasure, not listening for information but should practise empathic listening. This is putting yourself in the conversation. Trying to understand and feel the impulse of the speaker.
It is unhealthy to to dominate a conversation without waiting at intervals to get feedback. To check whether your hearer is hearing the right thing, to know how he/she is processing the information. The aim of your conversation especially on marriage is for your partner to understand what you are saying , understand and then obey you.
Listening should not also be done with the intention of giving a reply that will defend your status or what you represent in the marriage covenant.
I think we cannot also have a good conversation with our spouse if our interpretation of what marriage is, is defective. Until we see our marriage from the view point of it being a covenant relationship, every other thing becomes loop sided.
What we see most couples practising is contract and not covenant marriage.
This is so important. It is a contract (which could be unwritten and informal), when the marriage is based on mutual benefit. That is, we are both doing something for each other.
For example, I will be nice to you, if you bring in enough money. Or, if you help out in the house, I will prepare the meals.
The opposite obtains if your spouse doesn’t do what is expected. I will be very cold and unresponsive to you if you hurt my feelings. I will be uncaring to you if you disrespect me.
Marriage is a covenant. In which each partner takes up his/her responsibility. A wife is to submit fully. The husband takes up his responsibility to love her like Christ does irrespective of what she does.
It is the aim of covenant relationship to please and serve the other person despite what he/ she does.
It’s kind of difficult right? Very hard. Especially if you have been to some school of hardknocks, where you have been deeply hurt.
If you are starting on a clean note and you have this understanding, how blessed you are.
No matter how farther away we have gone, in Christ there is always a way out. He shows us and leads us in the way since He is the way.
We need to retrace our steps and in humility, accept what works.
When a marriage is not working, both partners are responsible. It is not just one persons fault but the two parties have their contributing factors.
Tomorrow, I will attempt to summarize the five levels of Communication.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am communicating well with my spouse.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to be a better communicator
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY They said to him, “Hezekiah says, ‘This is a black day. We’re in crisis. We’re like pregnant women without even the strength to have a baby! Isaiah 37:3 – MSG
A husband that is into ‘house-binding’ and not husbandry loves his wife genuinely, the God kind of love (Agape) that is kind, patient, gentle etc (1Cor 13:4-8)
In Eph.5:25, husbands are given a direct and clear command. ‘Husbands love your wife…’ Husbands are commanded to love but the love being described here is not sexual in which love is based on your wife’s body and the sexual pleasure you can get from her body.
Some husbands are only nice and full of compliments when it is time for sexual pleasure.
In husbandry (animal kingdom), there are no affections, no kind words, no thoughtfulness and tenderness. The male just goes ahead to mate the female.
But for a ‘house-binding’ husband, love is total and complete. It is the God kind of love which says, ‘I love you in spite of this issue.’
It is a willingness to accept your wife for who she is. It is a love that is unconditional. It is sacrificial, willing to go the extra mile.
It is not overly demanding, critical or fault finding. It is simply based on a conscious decision to walk in love not because she deserves it but because the word of God commands it.
To be continued…
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am a love being. God’s love flows in me. My love is selfless and not selfish.
PRAYERS FOR THE DAY Lord, teach me to walk in love daily in Jesus Name. Shed your love abroad in my heart , O Lord
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Col 3:19 AMP Husbands, love your wives [be affectionate and sympathetic with them] and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful toward them.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Memorize and meditate and confess the attributes of love in 1 Cor. 13
