Are You in Love with a Concept or a Person? Part 1

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Are You in Loce with a Concept or a Person?

In the journey of relationships, whether dating or marriage, it’s easy to fall into the trap of idealizing someone rather than truly knowing and loving them as they are. This subtle yet significant distinction can shape the health, authenticity, and longevity of your connection. Are you in love with an actual person, with all their strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and humanity, or are you attached to a concept, fantasy, or projection of who you want them to be? Let’s explore this question and uncover how to build real, meaningful relationships rooted in truth and grace.

1. The Danger of Idealization

When we fall in love with a concept instead of a person, we create unrealistic expectations based on our desires, fantasies, or societal ideals. We may imagine our partner as flawless, always understanding, or perfectly aligned with our vision of “the one.” However, Psalm 139:23-24 reminds us to seek truth: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”

• Signs You’re Loving a Concept:
  • You overlook red flags because they don’t fit your ideal image.
  • You expect perfection or feel disappointed when reality doesn’t match your fantasy.
  • Your affection is conditional upon them meeting certain standards.
• Solution: Ground yourself in reality by acknowledging that no one is perfect—not even you. Embrace imperfections as opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.

2. Do You Truly Know Them?

Loving a person means taking the time to understand their true identity—their values, dreams, fears, habits, and struggles. Proverbs 18:2 says, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” If you’re more focused on projecting your ideas onto them than learning who they really are, you risk building a relationship on shaky ground.

• Signs You’re Loving a Person:
  • You listen actively and ask thoughtful questions about their life.
  • You celebrate their uniqueness, even if it differs from your preferences.
  • You accept both their strengths and weaknesses without trying to change them fundamentally.
• Solution: Invest in getting to know their heart. Study their personality, history, and passions. Build a foundation of mutual respect and appreciation for who they genuinely are.

3. Is It About Control or Connection?

Dating or marrying a concept often stems from a desire for control—to mold someone into the partner you envision. On the other hand, loving a person involves surrendering control and embracing vulnerability. Ephesians 5:21 calls believers to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” True love requires humility and partnership, not manipulation or domination.

• Signs You’re Controlling:
  • You try to “fix” them or make them conform to your expectations.
  • You become frustrated when they deviate from your plan for them.
  • You prioritize your needs over theirs, ignoring their individuality.
• Solution: Release the need to control and trust God’s work in their life. Focus on fostering collaboration and mutual support rather than imposing your agenda.

4. Do You Love Unconditionally or Conditionally?

Love for a concept is often conditional—it depends on whether the person meets your criteria. But biblical love, modeled after Christ’s sacrifice, is unconditional. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

• Signs of Conditional Love:
  • Your affection wavers based on their performance or behavior.
  • You withhold forgiveness or kindness when they disappoint you.
  • You treat them as a project rather than a beloved companion.
• Solution: Practice unconditional love by choosing to cherish them regardless of circumstances. Extend grace, patience, and compassion, just as God does for you.

Are You in Loce with a Concept or a Person?