Why Knowing Your Values Matters (And How to Find Them)
Alright, let’s get real: if you want a strong, authentic relationship, knowing what truly matters to you—and sharing it with your partner—is huge. Your values are like the GPS guiding your life, so if you’re not clear on where you’re headed, how can you expect anyone else to know?
Start by asking yourself questions like: What makes me feel alive? When do I feel the most “me”? Look back on times you felt fulfilled or proud of yourself. Maybe it’s honesty, faith, loyalty, or being close to family. Everyone’s list is different, so take a few minutes, jot it down, and get familiar with it.
Knowing your values isn’t just about big life decisions; it’s about how you approach your day-to-day and relate to your partner. Once you’re clear, sharing these values gives your partner insight into why you are the way you are. And yeah, it’s kinda like giving them the cheat codes to you.
The Power of Talking (Not Just Texting)
Let’s talk about communication. If relationships are like building a house, then communication is the foundation. Talking about your values is more than just filling each other in on the basics; it’s about diving into the deeper stuff. When you’re both clear about what you care about, you build a solid base for mutual respect and understanding.
Here’s why this is key:
- Creates alignment: Whether it’s about family, faith, or your future career dreams, discussing values can help you both understand each other’s priorities.
- Builds trust: When you open up about what matters to you, it shows vulnerability—and trust grows from there.
- Increases intimacy: Getting to know each other’s “why” builds a deeper bond. It’s way more connecting than debating which movie to watch on Friday night!
Picking the Right Moment
Now, don’t go dropping these deep convos during the last 10 minutes of a movie night or while your partner is neck-deep in work. Timing matters. Choose a moment when you’re both relaxed, like during a weekend coffee date or a chill evening at home. The goal? No distractions, no rush. Find a time when both of you can be fully present.
Where matters too. Some good spots:
- A quiet café
- A nice park bench on a sunny day
- Comfy on the couch with no phones around
In other words, find a vibe that feels open and relaxed. And remember, the last thing you want is for it to feel like a job interview. The more natural, the better.
How to Share Your Values without Starting an Argument
Here’s a biggie: how you talk about your values is just as important as what you say. Leading with “I” statements keeps the conversation from turning into a blame game. For instance, instead of saying, “You never care about spending time with my family,” try something like, “I feel really happy when we spend time with my family together.” This helps keep things positive and focused on your feelings, not accusations.
Examples of “I” statements that keep things smooth:
- “I feel connected when we pray together.”
- “I think it’s really important to set aside time to rest.”
- “I believe family traditions are something I want to prioritize.”
This approach helps your partner see where you’re coming from without feeling cornered or defensive. Trust me—it makes all the difference.
Listening Like You Mean It
Here’s a quick tip: put away the mental checklist, and the rebuttals, and really listen. Active listening is all about showing your partner that you’re fully there and that what they’re saying is important to you. And yep, there’s an art to it.
Try these tips:
- Paraphrase back what they said to make sure you got it right.
- Ask questions to go deeper. “Can you share what led you to feel this way?”
- Use non-verbal cues like nodding and keeping eye contact to show you’re engaged.
Being fully present makes your partner feel heard and valued, which makes it way easier for them to share openly.
Dealing with Different Values (Without Freaking Out)
So, what if you discover that some of your values don’t exactly align? Don’t panic—it’s totally normal. Everyone brings unique perspectives to a relationship, and different values don’t mean you’re doomed. The key is acceptance and compromise.
Think about it like this: You may love spending every holiday with extended family, but your partner might prefer more low-key, intimate gatherings. Instead of forcing a choice, try creating a balance. Maybe one holiday is big and bustling with family, while the next is just the two of you.
When it comes to values, find the places you can flex without compromising your core beliefs. And on the non-negotiables? Communicate why those matter so much to you. Compromise doesn’t mean losing yourself—it’s about finding a way forward together.
Conflict Resolution: Don’t Let It Get Messy
Look, even the best relationships have their fair share of disagreements. The trick is knowing how to navigate them without things getting tense or personal. First step: stay calm. If emotions start running high, pause, take a breath, and step back if you need to.
Focus on finding solutions, not winning the argument. A great way to keep things positive is by re-centering the conversation on shared values and long-term goals. Instead of, “Why don’t you understand?” try, “How can we work together to find a middle ground?” A little reframing goes a long way.
Checking In As You Grow
Life happens. Values evolve. What felt super important in your early 20s might look different a few years down the road. This is why it’s so important to keep the conversation going. Regular “value check-ins” help you stay aligned as life and priorities change.
You can make it a thing! Maybe every few months or on an anniversary date, spend a bit of time talking about what’s new, what’s changed, and how you’re both feeling about your shared values. Some questions to get the ball rolling:
- “Have any of your values shifted recently?”
- “How can we keep supporting each other as our lives change?”
- “What goals feel important to us as a couple right now?”
Keeping this habit of openness and curiosity helps you both grow together, not apart.
Wrapping Up: Building a Relationship That Lasts
When you and your partner are open about what matters to you, it strengthens everything: trust, respect, and understanding. It’s the kind of thing that makes all the little daily moments sweeter, too. Talking about values doesn’t have to be a serious sit-down affair every time; it can be a relaxed, ongoing conversation.
So, take a breath, open up, and embrace those chats. Sharing your values isn’t just about where you’re at right now; it’s about building a vision for where you’re going—together.
