Top 10 Secrets to a Stress-Free Marriage They Didn’t Teach In School Originally Taught by Dr. Albert Femi Oduwole
This teaching is done by Dr. Albert Femi Oduwole, an International Conference Speaker, Author, Life coach and Lead Pastor at Triumphant Nation. Many people struggle in their marriages wondering “why can’t relationships just be easy?” While love may feel simple at first, maintaining a healthy marriage requires effort. In this article, we’ll discuss the root causes of marital problems and provide practical tips for overcoming struggles through open communication, appreciation, and personal growth.
Here Are A Few Root Causes of Marital Problems
1. Unhealthy Comparisons
It’s only natural to compare our partners to others, but this often stems from unrealistic expectations. No two people or relationships are exactly alike, so comparing your spouse to an idealized version of someone else sets them up for failure. Learn to appreciate your partner for who they are. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities rather than perceived flaws. Appreciate how they enrich your life uniquely rather than longing for something different. Avoiding unhealthy comparisons is one of the secrets to a stress-free marriage.
2. Taking Your Partner for Granted
How we treat our spouse on a daily basis matters greatly. When we stop showing gratitude for the little things they do, it’s easy to start resenting them. Don’t forget to express thanks for the care and support you receive from your partner. Verbalize gratitude, perform small acts of service, and give compliments. Keep romance alive with date nights, gifts, and quality time together.
3. Lack of Communication
Problems arise when we make assumptions instead of openly discussing how we feel. Resentment builds over time if issues aren’t addressed. Make deliberate listening a priority so you can understand each other’s perspectives. Use “I feel” statements to share feelings respectfully. Actively listen by restating what you heard to ensure understanding. Find a compromise when you disagree instead of demanding your way.
4. Lack of Regular Date Nights
Make time to reconnect as a couple away from distractions. Enjoy fun activities together to foster intimacy and friendship.
5. Not Participating in Chores
Lend a helping hand with chores or responsibilities to lighten their load. Offer back rubs, make their favorite meal, or send caring notes.
Understanding Each Other Despite Our Differences
While marriage comes with its challenges, understanding and appreciating our differences can help overcome them. Let’s dive into three key areas: At the core of the secrets to a stress-free marriage is understanding one another.
6. Rice vs Spaghetti Brains
Science has shown men and women’s brains develop differently. A man’s brain tends to be compartmentalized like individual rice grains, allowing him to focus intently on one thing at a time. In contrast, a woman’s brain is more interconnected like spaghetti, allowing her to multitask and take in various details simultaneously.
This affects how we process and store information. For example, a husband may have trouble following a story if his wife jumps around. Or a wife may get frustrated if her husband doesn’t seem engaged when she’s sharing feelings. Understanding these natural differences can help us communicate better.
7. Speaking Each Other’s Love Language
People also express and receive love primarily through five “love languages” – gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch. Gary Chapman’s research showed unless we understand our spouse’s main love language, our efforts to show love may not be properly received.
For instance, if a husband’s language is acts of service but his wife’s is quality time, he may feel unloved when she does chores but doesn’t spend meaningful one-on-one moments with him. Learning each other’s love language builds intimacy. Speaking Each Other’s Love Language is one of the secrets to a stress-free marriage
8. Handling Challenges as Opportunities
Rather than magnifying problems, we can choose to see challenges as opportunities for growth. Hard times, if faced with gratitude, can strengthen our character and relationship in unseen ways. Problems often come hand in hand with blessings, if we have the right perspective. For example, an illness may bring family closer in caregiving. Financial struggles may lead to cutting expenses in healthy ways. Difficult conversations could improve communication long-term.
9. Blessings In Disguise
Seeing blessings amidst trials requires an active choice to be thankful in “all circumstances,” as Paul wrote. It’s human nature to focus on negatives; changing our lens takes effort but pays off.
Similarly, problems present chances to cultivate virtues like patience, humility and dependence on God. We can learn so much about ourselves and each other through adversity. If faced constructively as a team, challenges need not tear us apart but can instead bring us closer together. Seeing Challenges as Opportunities is one of the secrets to a stress-free marriage.
10. The Power of Perspective
One powerful testimony shared was about a man who promised to take his family on a vacation. However, he then hit unexpected financial struggles and it seemed the trip may not happen.
Instead of worrying, the man chose to be thankful for what he had. He thanked God each day for blessings like his health and family. Opportunities then unexpectedly opened up for an even greater provision beyond what he asked for, enabling an amazing vacation.
This example shows how shifting one’s perspective from lack to gratitude can change everything. When we feel discontent, it’s easy to focus on wants. But being thankful for what we’ve received, no matter how little, attracts more goodness.
In conclusion, understanding our differences, seeing struggles as opportunities, and cultivating gratitude can strengthen any marriage. Appreciating each other as God designed will help weather challenges and build a foundation of love. When you understand these tips, you would have discovered powerful secrets to a stress-free marriage.
Anger Management Hacks: 10 Surprising Ways To Keep Your Cool
Good morning! Today, I want to speak directly to both singles and married couples. There are things in life that work, and there are things that do not. You don’t need to spend another five years experimenting to figure out what works and what doesn’t. All you need is a willingness to learn. Every mistake you make has the potential to harden your heart against God, which is a tactic of the devil. Life is not meant to be permanently lived on Mistake Street by Error Avenue. Instead, you can choose to pursue wisdom and allow past mistakes to teach and instruct you.
You gain wisdom from God’s word and also from His anointed ones. Here are a few things you should take note of.
1. Be Slow to Get Angry
This is what the scripture expressly advises. Many have lost precious relationships because of anger tantrums. It’s okay to get angry sometimes as a human; I get angry myself sometimes. But when your anger becomes compulsive, uncontrollable, and borders on violence, you need to be careful. When it comes to anger, apply the super slow-motion button!
2. Managing Anger
Pray to God for Help: If you find yourself getting angry to the point of beating people, picking fights, or destroying things, you need to consciously pray to God for help.
3. Seek Resources
Go online and search for ‘anger management’ to find materials that can help you.
4. Study Scriptures
Dive into the scriptures and study every instance where the words “anger,” “angry,” “wrath,” etc., occur. The word of God is life and that life can help you manage your emotions.
Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9 KJV)
5. Walk Away
The next time you get very angry, walk away and check the mirror. If you can see the lumps there, relax first before making a decision.
Ecc 7:9 (MSG) Don’t be quick to fly off the handle. Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.
6. Soft Answers
When your partner is angry, don’t raise your voice back. Talk in a whisper, and the demon of wrath will fly away.
7. Two Angry People
Consider Simeon and Levi, who had serious anger problems:
“Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations. O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their self-will they digged down a wall.” (Genesis 49:5-6 KJV)
Their father placed a curse on them for their actions:
“Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.” (Genesis 49:7 KJV)
Their problem was that they were both angry at the same time. Never get angry at the same time your partner is angry.
8. Dealing with Anger as a Single
If you recognize that you have anger issues, don’t ignore it and don’t play the denial card. Here are the steps you can take:
Talk to a Pastor or Mentor: Seek guidance from spiritual leaders.
Read Books: Find books on anger management and read them.
Study the Scriptures: Allow your mind to be renewed by God’s word.
Pray for Help: Pray to God for assistance in overcoming your anger.
When you pray to God for help, you might find more situations that provoke you. This can be a way to understand the depth of your need for help and start working on it consciously.
9. Dealing with Anger as Married Couples
Anger in marriage can be particularly dangerous. Here are some guidelines for managing anger in a marital relationship:
a. Avoid Simultaneous Anger.
If one partner is angry, the other should remain calm.
b. Don’t Raise Your Voice.
Talk in a whisper to defuse the situation.
Pro 15:1 (KJV) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
c. Avoid Provocative Language:
Respond with gentle words like, “Dear, it is well.”
10. Prayer and Confession
Confession. I am not a fool, therefore, I don’t get angry easily.
Prayer. I curse every root of anger and wrath in my life in Jesus’ name.
Have you ever wondered what makes some couples (either singles in courtship or already married) so obviously in love and devoted to each other? You know, there’s something truly magical about being in a happy, romantic relationship. It’s like you’ve got this secret code that unlocks a whole new world of joy and wonder. And the best part? It’s all thanks to the little things you and your partner do for each other every single day.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Pastor Dunamis, what are these little things you speak of?” Well, let me tell you, dear ones. It all starts with gratitude – that sweet nectar of love that keeps the fire burning bright.
1. They express gratitude and appreciation for each other regularly.
You see, the most romantic couples out there are like a bunch of love-struck teenagers, constantly expressing their appreciation for each other. It’s like they’ve got this never-ending supply of “thank you’s” and “I love you’s” just waiting to be unleashed, like a secret stash of love letters hidden under the mattress.
And you know what? It works! Because when you feel appreciated, it’s like someone just lit a match inside of you. You want to do more, be more, and give more to your partner. It’s like this beautiful dance of love and appreciation that just keeps on spinning, like a couple of lovebirds twirling around in the moonlight.
As singles in courtship, if your loved one never appreciates or compliments you, it may not likely change after the wedding. Be careful.
2. They fight fairly and see conflict as an opportunity to learn and grow together.
What more? Happy couples also know how to fight fair. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Fighting? In a romantic relationship? We will never fight, we are so much in love. But hear me out. Conflict is inevitable; it will happen if both of you are not pretenders.
They compromise, make sacrifices, and never lose sight of the greater good of their relationship. It’s like they’ve got this secret code: “We’re in this together, babe. Let’s figure it out, one step at a time.”
3. They ask for what they need, understand each other’s differences, and make space for the other person’s needs.
They ask for what they need because let’s face it, we’re all different people with different needs, and these couples understand that. They make space for each other to be their authentic selves, never suffocating one another or allowing their individualities to be subdued. As singles in courtship, your voice should not be muted. The ability to express your needs intelligently is part of the qualities of a great relationship.
They speak their partner’s love language, which can be different for everyone.
4. They speak their partner’s love language, which can be different for everyone.
It’s like they’ve got this secret language of love, where they speak to each other in the way that resonates most. For some, it’s gifts; for others, it’s quality time, like a spontaneous weekend getaway to a cozy little bed and breakfast, where they can escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life and just bask in each other’s company.
They whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears, like a secret love poem written just for two. They shower each other with compliments and affirmations, like a gentle rain nourishing the seeds of love that have been planted deep within their hearts.+
5. They do chores together, which helps build trust and closeness while keeping resentment at bay.
They do chores together, which might not sound sexy, but trust me, it’s like a secret love potion.
Cooking together, with playful banter and stolen kisses as they chop veggies and stir sauces. Cleaning together, with impromptu dance parties breaking out in the living room as they vacuum and dust. It’s all about building that trust and closeness that keeps resentment at bay, like a protective force field around their love.
6. They make time for physical affection, touching, and snuggling.
And let’s not forget about physical affection, my friends. These couples are like a bunch of new lovers, constantly touching, hugging, and kissing each other. It’s like they’ve got this secret stash of oxytocin just waiting to be released, flooding their bodies with warmth and affection. Kindly note that this is not encouraged for singles. It is clear from God’s word that sex is reserved for after the wedding with your spouse.
They hold hands as they stroll around, their fingers intertwined like vines clinging to each other for support. They steal quick pecks on the cheek as they pass each other in the hallway, like a secret handshake shared only between the two of them.
7. They share more meaningful topics and intimate details of their lives.
These couples also share the deep, meaningful parts of their lives. They talk about their dreams, their hopes, their fears – it’s like they’ve got this secret club where they can be their most authentic selves without fear of judgment. Nothing is hidden.
They bare their souls to each other, and in return, they are met with understanding, compassion, and unwavering support, like a warm embrace on a cold winter’s night.
8. A deep, spiritual connection that transcends the physical realm.
They know that true love is a gift from the divine, a sacred bond that is meant to be nurtured and cherished.
Like the beautiful words found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
These verses serve as a guiding light for these couples, reminding them that true love is not just a fleeting emotion but a conscious choice they make every single day. They choose to be patient with each other’s flaws and imperfections, just as God is patient with us. They choose to be kind, even when the world around them is harsh and unforgiving.
So, my dear friends, take heart and take inspiration from these couples who have unlocked the secret to a truly fulfilling and romantic relationship. Let their love be a beacon of hope, guiding you toward a deeper, more meaningful connection with your partner. And always remember that with faith, patience, and a whole lot of love, anything is possible.
10 Tips for Navigating Difficult Conversations in Relationships.
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4. Avoid Assumptions.
When communicating with your partner, it’s essential to avoid making assumptions and instead ask open-ended questions to gain a better understanding of their perspective.
Assumptions can lead to miscommunication, conflict, and erode trust, whereas asking questions shows that you’re genuinely interested in understanding your partner’s viewpoint, which can help build trust and strengthen your connection.
By asking open-ended questions, you can clarify doubts and uncertainties, gain a deeper understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings, and build trust and intimacy.
Examples of open-ended questions include asking for your partner’s opinion, how they felt in a particular situation, what they need from you, and why they made a certain decision. When asking questions, it’s essential to avoid leading questions, listen actively, ask follow-up questions, and not interrupt your partner.
5. Stay Calm and Composed.
In difficult conversations that are emotionally charged, it’s essential to stay calm and composed. This means taking a moment to collect your thoughts before responding, so you can prevent impulsive reactions and promote a more thoughtful and constructive dialogue. Emotional regulation is crucial in these situations, as it enables you to think clearly, listen actively, and manage your emotions.
To stay calm, you can take a deep breath, count to ten, or step away for a moment to collect your thoughts.
It’s important to remember that staying calm doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions. Acknowledging and expressing your emotions in a constructive way can help create a more respectful and thoughtful conversation.
6. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person.
When you’re in tough conversations in relationships, it’s super important to focus on the issue at hand, not attack the other person. Personal attacks can be really damaging to your relationship and make it hard to have an open and honest conversation.
When you personally attack someone, you make them defensive, which can shut down the conversation. You erode trust, making it harder to have honest conversations. You also escalate the situation, leading to more conflict and tension
Focusing on the issue instead of attacking your partner can reduce defensiveness, making it easier to have an open and honest dialogue
7. Use Positive Language.
Frame your message in a positive and constructive way, focusing on solutions rather than problems. Use positive language to express your concerns, and try to find common ground. Instead of saying “you’re always late,” say “I feel frustrated when we’re running behind schedule; can we find a way to manage our time better?” By reframing your message, you can shift the focus from criticism to collaboration.
8. Seek Common Ground.
What if you looked for areas where you both agree and worked together to find a solution that works for both of you? When you do this, you start communicating way better, and actually listen to each other. You become a team, working together to find a solution that rocks for both of you. Your relationship gets stronger, because you’re building trust and understanding each other better.
And you reduce conflict, because you’re not fighting anymore – you’re working together. To make this magic happen, here are some tips: listen to your partner, like, really listen, and try to understand where they’re coming from.
9. Be Willing to Compromise.
Compromise is a crucial aspect of any successful relationship or marriage, and it’s essential to be willing to listen to your partner’s concerns and find a middle ground that works for both parties. This doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs or desires, but rather being open to finding a solution that benefits both of you.
To compromise effectively, you should listen actively to your partner’s concerns, identify common goals, be flexible, communicate openly, and seek creative solutions.
10. Follow Up and Follow Through.
After having a difficult conversation, it’s essential to follow up and follow through on any agreements or actions discussed, which helps build trust and demonstrates a commitment to communication and understanding.
By following through on your commitments, you show that you’re reliable and responsible, which can strengthen your bond and build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Following up and following through on agreements is crucial in relationships because it builds trust, demonstrates responsibility, and shows a commitment to communication. To follow up effectively, set clear expectations, establish a timeline, communicate regularly, and be transparent about your progress.
By following the top ten tips, including choosing the right time and place, being aware of your emotions, using “I” statements, practicing active listening, and compromising, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship based on trust, respect, and open communication.
Remember, navigating difficult conversations is an ongoing process that requires effort and commitment from both partners, but by working together and following these tips, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship that lasts a lifetime.
