How To Identify Red Flags in Relationships

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Sometimes, when someone does something we don’t like or aren’t used to, we start labeling it a “red flag.” For instance, we’re like, They’re too quiet, too deep, too serious, too ‘into God.” Or they’re not texting fast enough. They don’t talk the way we expect. They have boundaries we’re not used to. And boom, immediately we tag it a red flag.

But here’s the truth: not everything that feels uncomfortable is a red flag. Sometimes it’s just unfamiliar. Sometimes it’s challenging your unhealed parts. Sometimes it’s healthy, but unhealed wounds, maybe from past relationships, just make it feel “off.”

On the other side, we can also miss the real red flags because they come in a nice package.
Good vibes. Easy conversations. Physical attraction. Maybe even church attendance. But beneath all that, there’s inconsistency, lack of growth, poor character, and zero spiritual leadership. We ignore it simply because they “get us,” or because we’re already emotionally invested.

And this is how people end up in relationships/marriages where they thought they picked a green flag, only to realize it was painted red the whole time.

Here are real red flags that should not be ignored:

1. They say they love God, but their life says otherwise.
If someone consistently minimizes faith, mocks spiritual things, or lives in unrepentant sin, that’s not just a “difference”—that’s direction. Love is hard to grow when you’re walking in opposite directions.

2. They charm in public, but control in private.
Emotional manipulation often wears a smile. If they make you feel small, confused, guilty, or constantly responsible for their emotions, you’re not building love, you’re managing dysfunction.

3. There’s no accountability, no mentorship, no godly voice they submit to.
If no one can speak into their life, correct them, or call them out, you eventually won’t be able to either. Humility is essential in a God-honoring relationship.

4. They’re always hiding something.
Secrets, double lives, half-truths, or silence when transparency is needed—this will slowly erode trust. Trust is hard to build, and easy to break.

So before you write someone off, ask:
Is this truly a red flag or just something unfamiliar or different from what I imagined?
And before you commit, ask:
Is this genuinely right, or does it just feel good right now?

Sometimes, what feels “off” at first is just new and worth giving space to grow. And sometimes what feels “right” in the moment is just familiar but not necessarily healthy.

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

It’s not just about guarding your heart out of fear. It’s about inviting God to shape your lens so you see and not overlook something good… or settle for something that simply looks good.