There are five levels of communication in marriage. Communication is simply talking, but of cause, there are more things involved than just talking. A healthy conversation involves not just what is said but what is heard.
In essence, communication is a two-way conversation that involves speaking and hearing. The two spouses must form the conscious habit of allowing the other spouse to express himself or herself. While he/ she speaks, the other partner should be actively listening.
Not listening for pleasure, not listening for information but should practice empathic listening. This is putting yourself in the conversation. Trying to understand and feel the impulse of the speaker.
It is unhealthy to dominate a conversation without waiting at intervals to get feedback, to check whether your hearer is hearing the right thing, to know how he/she is processing the information. The aim of your conversation, especially in marriage, is for your partner to understand what you are saying and then obey you.
Listening should not also be done with the intention of giving a reply that will defend your status or what you represent in the marriage covenant.
I think we cannot also have a good conversation with our spouse if our interpretation of what marriage is, is defective. Until we see our marriage from the viewpoint of it being a covenant relationship, every other thing becomes loop-sided.
What we see most couples practicing is a contract and not covenant marriage. This is so important. It is a contract (which could be unwritten and informal) when the marriage is based on mutual benefit. That is, we are both doing something for each other.
For example, I will be nice to you, if you bring in enough money. Or, if you help out in the house, I will prepare the meals. The opposite obtains if your spouse doesn’t do what is expected. I will be very cold and unresponsive to you if you hurt my feelings. I will be uncaring to you if you disrespect me.
Marriage is a covenant in which each partner takes up his/her responsibility. The wife is to submit fully. The husband takes up his responsibility to love her like Christ does irrespective of what she does. It is the aim of a covenant relationship to please and serve the other person despite what he/ she does.
It’s kind of difficult right? Very hard. Especially if you have been to some school of hardknocks where you have been deeply hurt.
If you are starting on a clean note and you have this understanding, how blessed you are.
No matter how farther away we have gone, in Christ there is always a way out. He shows us and leads us in the way since He is the way.
We need to retrace our steps and in humility, accept what works. When a marriage is not working, both partners are responsible. It is not just one person’s fault but the two parties have their contributing factors.
Tomorrow, I will attempt to summarize the five levels of communication. A further read is encouraged on the subject of communication especially by the best-selling author Gary Chapman.
I am sure you will find it rewarding and worth your while.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I know how to communicate with my wife
How we communicate is very vital. What is being said is important, but how it’s been said is equally important. A brother once had a dream, in the dream, he saw that each time we speak to our spouse harshly, it is like using a stick with many thorns to beat them.
How true this is. Harsh words will only breed hatred, bitterness, suspicion, rejection and more bitterness.
In the beginning, God gave man His presence, work, His Word, to cultivate (the woman), and to provide for her.
A man not in the presence of God, cannot have His word, and of course, cannot nurture his wife with the words God gave him.
You have to be able to pass across divine instructions in such a way that it is followed and obeyed by the wife. I think with each instruction, the man should also consciously ask for the wisdom and Holy Spirit’s help in passing it across and communicate it with his wife
There is always a way or method or wisdom given by the Holy spirit that will best suit your wife of husband as the case maybe.
In 1 Sam 16:1-3, we saw Samuel asked by God to go and anoint a king in the house of Jesse. He said, how can I go? If Saul hears it, he will kill me. He didn’t jump off with the word of the Lord. He waited and asked God for a way to present it.
Husbands, wives, let us not always run off with the word of the Lord or a word from God. Ask how to communicate it to your wife or husband.
1Sam 16:2 KJV And the Lord said, Take an heifer with thee, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the Lord.’
God taught him how to present the matter.
We will continue on this same topic tomorrow. We will look at saying it in love.
God bless your marriage. CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will not be distracted in the race of life
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to stay focused and consistent
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. “God’s Decree. “I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you “–– God’ s Decree––” bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it. (Jeremiah 29:14 Message)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Thank God for where you are now in the race of life
BIBLE READING FOR THE DAY 1 Samuel 28-31; Psalm 18
I have had people tell me that their husbands are too jealous, too jealous for their liking. The wives complain that this action is irritating. Well, I have come to know that if husbands are made to feel insecure, they become suspicious and may become overly jealous.
A husband is jealous because he loves and is not sure of the wife’s commitment into the relationship. When a husband is jealous or feels threatened, he begins to ask suspicious questions, snoops around, acts like a detective, scroll around the wife’s phone and does all sorts.
A husband and wife that has been away all day and hardly talk when they come home at night, gives room for such. The husband begins to feel, he is just there. No meaningful communication.
When there is no communication adequately, there is room for all kinds of unhealthy thoughts. Husbands and wives as a matter of fact must talk about everything. That is why whatever may prevent adequate communication should be avoided. The wife and husband should avoid bitterness of any sort, by talking about hurts immediately.
The issue of submission is also important. When a wife is not submissive to her husband, it gives him the opportunity to be jealous. If a wife does not adequately defer to her husband, it makes him insecure and threatened. He is insecure of his role as the husband.
A husband can take anything but if anything threatens his position as the rightful husband, he can’t take it.
The role of the wife is to always make her husband feel secured as the husband and the head of the home. She should defer to him in everything. She should feed his ego and give him his place as the head of the union between them.
She should defer to her in terms of finances, her job, her friends, her dressing, her looks, her family member, and everything in general. If your husband is not comfortable with something or someone, then let it be over with that thing, until he says it is okay.
This is a simple way to avoid problems at home and make your husband feel secure. As the wife, you have to protect him. Protect his interest and his ideals. I know of a woman who has a multinational company. By that, it means she would be in control of money, power and people. Normally, any husband married to her should feel threatened.
It is the place of the wife to make her husband feel secured. That is exactly what this woman did. The husband is so secured and contended. She placed her husband first before anyone and anything. That’s the way it should be.
I know there are some very difficult husbands and very overly jealous. How do you handle such? Well, I believe the same thing goes for every kind of husband. You make them feel secured until they feel over secured.
You cannot make your husband feel secured if you don’t talk to him. You must make communication a matter of priority. Your talking to him, means you defer to him by default. You tell him everything and ask him everything.
God bless your marriage
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I defer to my husband
PRAYER FOR THE DAY God help me to do the right things
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Pro 31:28Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband [also], and he praiseth her.
The Bible says husbands should enjoy the wife of their youth. This means you should enjoy yourself while you have strength as young couples. Don’t be too serious at home and learn to live together as best friends.
The force of joy is very vital in the home front. Joy, celebration, thanksgiving, rejoicing, the sound of melody, praises, and worship to God all go hand in hand.
Psa 67:5-6, KJV Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the people praise thee. Then shall the earth yield her increase; and God, even our own God, shall bless us.
We are encouraged in this scripture to praise the Lord, then our earth; whatever it is that represents the earth to us will yield her increase. Whether barrenness, lack, joblessness, debt, et cetera
The logical thing to do is get moody when things are not working. But we operate from a higher level. We rejoice to get the increase.
Your boss, spouse, or colleague may be treating you badly. Rather than fight back, you switch into praise.
Receive Grace and strength to enter into praise. God inhabits your praise. Your praise invites God to fight on your behalf.
Php 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.
Let nothing steal your joy. Let your rejoicing be in the Lord
Don’t allow the pressure of finances, raising children, in-laws and others destabilize your togetherness and joy.
Nothing must come in between your joy. Between the two of you, one person will be more playful and tend towards being joyful all the time.
Let the playful one take the initiative and the other follows suit.
The Holy Spirit knows what He’s saying when He says enjoy the wife of your youth.
Be deliberate in making each other happy. Do not make others outside your home or marriage happy at the expense of your spouse.
Read books together and discuss them. Invest in each other.
I pray your marriage will be beautiful and filled with new wine.
God bless your marriage.
CONFESSION FORTHE DAY I love my spouse and we enjoy life together
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help us to be joyful always.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Ecc 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Rejoice and enjoy yourself
The issue of honor in marriage is critical. A marriage where there is no honor is no order. The wife does what she likes and the husband does what he likes. The marriage is not governed by any rules. Christ is not at the center of the home.
We must understand that God instituted marriage. He is the one who said it is not good that man be alone.
He has an original plan and purpose for all marriages. Each marriage is unique. Each home has its own unique pattern. Each marriage has its own unique place in the heart of the Father.
Honor is thus a way to invite the Lordship of Jesus Christ into our lives.
Couples must learn the honor code at all cost. Without honor, nothing will work in the home.
Here are three major areas you honor your spouse
1. Honour your spouse by giving preference to Jesus in your marriage
Giving preference to Jesus is giving Him the leadership in your home. Let Him take the lead. It is seeking to find out what Jesus would do in every situation.
2. Making sure that the marriage works.
It includes doing everything possible to see that you forgive yourselves.
3. Making sure that you are patient with each other.
Everything in marriage has two sides to it.
In anger, calm down.
May God bless our marriages!
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I will honor my spouse daily
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to stay focused on you
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Col 2:2 (MSG) I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery.
