Opposite, they say, will always attract. That has been found to be true, always and at all times. God is a God of varieties. God’s own way of ensuring that you don’t get so bored in marriage is that opposite will attract.
The reason you fell in love most of the time is because there is something you saw that you don’t have.
God in His wisdom, sovereignty and divine love, intends that your spouse will have strength in the area where you have weaknesses, and you will have strength in the area where your spouse has weaknesses.
The strengths versus weaknesses tango will then create a balance, so that the children can be properly and emotionally developed.
Won’t it really be very odd for husband and wife to have same weaknesses?
So opposite will attract. Your lover will reason and think differently from you, mostly.
These opposites that attract, however, will also now be the very thing that will cause irritations when the love euphoria dies down.
It is at this point that most relationships get broken, because they did not understand why they have been so different, without knowing that the very difference is what they need to create a beautiful balance and be able to have a matured marital experience.
So, do not despise your differences in any way, rather celebrate those differences because that is what will bring balance into the relationship and eventually your marriage.
The opposite ways will definitely bring different opinions, reasonings and conclusions, but you must be matured enough not to mute your spouse but rather create an enabling environment for expressions in the relationship and marriage.
Work on your strengths by maximizing them. Work on your weaknesses by minimizing them!
May God grant you more understanding.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am different. I am unique. I am special.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, help me to accept the fact that we are made to be different.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. 2 Corinthians 10:12 KJV
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Study a book on temperament to know why you are different
Our text this morning comes powerfully shining a spotlight on the very beginning of things.
1Jn 1:1 (KJV) That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of life;
From the text above, there was something or someone which was from the beginning.
Your spouse to be or the person you are about to marry is not just about to be decided by God. He already existed in the mind of God, even before you were born.
Both of you have been “chosen” before you were born! You can now begin to appreciate the scripture which says
Jer 1:5 (MSG) “Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that’s what I had in mind for you.”
You are wondering whether you just read the right words? Oh yes you did! Before your conception, some things have been decided by God!
No wonder most of all what God wants from you is to listen to Him, follow him and follow that divine map!
Psa 81:13 (MSG) “Oh, dear people, will you listen to me now? Israel, will you follow my map?
If that is the case then, can all singles go and rest a while and stop disturbing yourselves about who to marry?
No wonder Adam had to go to “sleep” before Eve showed up.
Could it be that you have ben too “awake,” and you have been trying to do your own thing rather than simply cooperate and follow that which was from the beginning?
Oh, how the reality sets in, powerfully and resolutely, God has it sorted out!
I only need to trust Him and believe Him as the Lord my shepherd who will not lead me wrong!
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Lord, show me what I need to know that I don’t know.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
If you have been in courtship for some time, the likelihood is that your lover/fiancé has at one point or the other probably told you, “You don’t respect me!”
You see, you need to understand that the way a man thinks and the way a woman thinks are so different and are miles apart. While the man is thinking, “She doesn’t respect me, the woman is thinking, He doesn’t love me!
One important thing you need to know about men is that they are logical and so tend to interpret most things from logic.
The logic is “I am the head of the house. The decision rests on me. The bucks stop at my table.”
A woman interprets things from a relationship point. Her thoughts are “If he really loves me, he wouldn’t do this or that, he would spend time with me and so on and so forth.
Now, if your fiancee ever looked you in the face and tell you, “You don’t love me,” you don’t need to argue at all. She is the one that is supposed to receive the love and she can’t feel it. Rather than get logical and rant about what you did last year and so on, be humble and try to understand what she is trying to say and what love means to her.
In the same way, if your fiancé tells you repeatedly that you don’t respect him, you don’t need to get hurt or moody over that and manipulate his emotions through silent treatment until he comes to apologize for saying what he feels. Rather than get hurt over that, simply try to enter his brain through loving communication to find out his concept of respect.
To one man, it could be as simple as genuflecting (bending the knee a little). He is simply “traditional” and he has seen his mum and siblings do that for his dad for thirty years. It has been tattooed into his brain and if he voices that out to you as what he wants, be smart enough to do it.
It wouldn’t reduce you, it will bring peace to your home and the surprising thing, after a while he wouldn’t demand that again because in his mindset would be the statement, “My fiancee respects me!”
To some other man, it is cooking a good meal. The important thing is to find out what your fiancé deems as respect and do it!
If you keep getting hurt over everything at your fiancé, after a while he would simply keep quiet and that would impact communication. You wouldn’t want to know the consequences of that.
Study your fiancé. Generally, men don’t talk until they are sure of what they want to do or the decision they want to take. Have you ever asked him about some pressing issues and he refuses to say a word? And you are hurt because he ignored you?
Let me tell you something, he didn’t ignore you. The reality is that he didn’t know what to say or what to do. The proper thing is to say, “Dear, give me some time to think about that.” But most times, when a man is confused, he will simply keep quiet and refuse to say a word. His ego would not allow him to own up and say something like, “Dear, on this issue, I am as confused as you!”
Here is the difference between a man and a woman
A man thinks his way into a decision
A woman talks her way into a decision.
So, there is always tension and difficulty in communication when a woman wants to talk her way into a decision that a man has not thought about!
Learn about him and there would be fewer conflicts. This is why a lot of marriages crack and most courtships dissolve.
In the same vein, study your fiancee and simply do what she wants as long as there is no scriptural contradiction. Find out the love language of your lover and speak it. Spend time with her and give her attention! And have peace of mind!
May God grant more understanding.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I understand my partner properly.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Pray for wisdom to understand your lover.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Eph 1:18 (KJV)The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Start speaking the language of your lover
Words are powerful. Words are eternal. They don’t die.
Jesus said words are spirits.
Joh 6:63 KJV It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.
Nations have gone to war because of words spoken and battles have been known to come to an end because of words.
Jesus also said that words reveal what is in a man’s heart.
Luk 6:45 AMP The upright (honorable, intrinsically good) man out of the good treasure [stored] in his heart produces what is upright (honorable and intrinsically good), and the evil man out of the evil storehouse brings forth that which is depraved (wicked and intrinsically evil); for out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks.
You can decode a man’s attitude from his words. His words, when analysed will show you where he is going.
This morning, I want to show you a few words that men who claim to be your lover often say that show something is defective somewhere. They let you know that your relationship or marriage needs some attention and counsel. Here are a few of those statements that your lover may not be saying.
1. I am not a religious freak. I don’t like church stuffs. I can’t be a fanatic.
What he is really saying: I don’t want to be spiritual. I will not always go to church. I don’t believe in God that much. Once we are married, you will have to stop going to church as you do now.
The implication: Your spiritual life will be depleted. You will not be on the same page. Without a good foundation of spiritual life and relationship with God, you will be limited, you will do a lot of things with struggles and you will never be able to enter the fullness of God’s blessings for your life.
2. There is nothing wrong with sex as long as we love ourselves, although I am not insisting. Even pastors are messing up.
What he is really saying: I will soon get you. It is a matter of time. I will wait for you to get emotionally connected with me and fall in love hopelessly and then you won’t be able to say No. How will I be in a relationship without having sex? ‘You never know anything!’
The implication: His word already reveals his heart. If you stay in a relationship with such a person, you will soon compromise. It is just a matter of time. If you value your relationship with God, you will disconnect from any tiny appearance of compromise before you become entangled and fall in love.
3. Let’s keep our relationship to ourselves for now. I don’t want any pastor or parents to know. Don’t even tell too many of your friends for now. I am a private person and I don’t like being discussed all over the place. Let it just be between the two of us. When the time comes to go public, I will let you know.
What he is really saying: I don’t want to go all the way with you. I don’t want any commitments; all I want is sex! Let’s make the casualty to be only you and not involve any authority figure that will tie me down.
The implication: He will not walk the aisle with you. He is not interested in marriage and there is no point wasting a few of your years with him. A good courtship is not supposed to operate as a secret cult!
4. I really love you and that is why you are number one out of all my girlfriends. You are the one I want to get married to.
What he is really saying: I have other girlfriends that I sleep around with. Be careful so I won’t change my mind about you because I have so many of them in my hands.
The implication: He is manipulating you with that statement and he may not get married to you eventually. Even if he does, there would not be an automatic disconnection with his girlfriends especially if they are sexually involved. You will have to contend with that after marriage and practically fight battles that could have been avoided. As a child of God, you are to be loved and adored by your husband. The moment you are being threatened this way, something is not quite right. Don’t stay under a manipulative man; that is not God’s plan for you.
5. Even though, I am married, I don’t love my wife. I don’t know why I have not met you before I got married. You are my true wife. I will find a way to leave that woman and marry you. You are so caring, loving and I can do anything for you. Just stay with me, I will give you anything you want and I will marry you eventually.
What he is really saying: You think it is so easy to leave the mother of my children? You are just a baby, and I will keep on giving you paltry sums of money to get what I want. I will rent a house for you and buy you a car and I will visit you there for sex. The day you say you are no longer interested, I will collect my car and my house.
The implication:Adultery is not worth it. You will simply waste your youth and practically stop your life. It will look sweet initially but soon turns into gravel in your mouth. Disconnect from such relationships because God doesn’t want you there.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I am wise. I have a better understanding of my lover. I know what my lover is saying and not saying.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Pray that God will show you what your lover is not saying.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. (John 6:63 ESV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Review all your relationships and follow God’s instructions to find out what your lover is not saying.
The issue above is one of the commonest statements of regret from several people that I counsel every other month. Avoiding in marriage a lover on fire today but cold later is possible.
“Pastor, he has changed…”
“Pastor, I never knew he was like this…”
“Pastor, before we got married, he was a leader in the fellowship, but now, he doesn’t go to church…”
“Pastor, during our courtship, he was so sweet, but now, he beats me up!
“Pastor, I never knew him because our courtship was a distant one…”
…And so on and so forth…
Well, what went wrong along the way?
2Pe 2:20-22 (MSG) If they’ve escaped from the slum of sin by experiencing our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ, and then slid back into that same old life again, they’re worse than if they had never left. [21] Better not to have started out on the straight road to God than to start out and then turn back, repudiating the experience and the holy command. [22] They prove the point of the proverbs, “A dog goes back to its own vomit,” and, “A scrubbed-up pig heads for the mud.”
Here are a few things to note.
There are pretenders out there. There are people who will feign being in the faith just to get a ‘good’ girl that will not give them ‘problems’ in marriage. This is where Christian pre-marriage counseling comes in.
2. That you met somebody in church does not guarantee that he or she is a true child of God or that you are avoiding in marriage all troubles. Anybody and everybody can attend church services for different purposes. Always seek counsel before you get involved with anybody.
3. Not everybody in the church setting is looking for God. That is why phones and personal effects get missing in church. An angel didn’t steal them. They were stolen by people with whom you worship but with ulterior motives.
4. Let the leadership of the church be involved in your relationship and marriage. There are some churches that have marriage guidance councils, these are not instituted to control you or spy into your private life but to guide you appropriately. Let your pastor be in the know. This is important because the pastor usually knows the committed ones and those who are insincere to an extent.
5. Learn all you can learn. Get marriage tips and free Christian advice online for avoiding chaos in marriage. On Kisses and Huggs Club, for example, we offer free Christian advice for singles and married couples and you can get advice on marriage issues on our daily devotionals, daily discussions and several other materials online. Don’t walk into a marriage ignorantly and so naïve that you fall for anything.
6. As a marriage counselor for some years, I can rightly say that it is true some people really love the Lord, but along the way, there is a turn around. Avoiding in marriage such people is what this post is about. This can be due to negative influence, change of environment, pressure that comes with marriage, choice of career and so on. Whatever it is, when you find yourself in this kind of scenario, you need to quickly find a marriage counselor to talk to.
I will stop here today and conclude on this topic tomorrow.
Be blessed.
CONFESSION FOR THE DAY I have divine wisdom from God to make decisions.
PRAYER FOR THE DAY Pray and ask God to show you what you don’t know about your life
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. (Jeremiah 33:3 KJV)
ACTION PLAN FOR THE DAY Take an inventory of all the relationships in your life
