It is good when we view our marriage and relationship like a garden. When you hear “garden,” what comes to your mind? A beautiful picture of a well-tended piece of land, beautiful and colorful flowers, with fragrance and no weeds. Apart from the fact that when you see a garden, you know that someone or some people have been responsible, consistently working. There are three elements I want us to look at in considering the marriage and relationship as a garden.
Pulling out weeds
Planting Seeds
Killing the snakes
Let me explain in detail what I mean.
1. Pulling weeds
Every garden has a tendency for weeds to grow in them if left untended. Weeds are bad habits, human bad habits such as poor communication, lack of commitment, threatening with divorce or breaking up, lack of respect, use of negative words like ‘never’, ‘always’, not actively listening to our spouse or partner, lack of understanding each other and the list goes on.
Whatever will cause our relationship and marriage not to blossom and thrive are weeds. They need to be pulled out. This takes consistent, conscious, and deliberate efforts on our part to pull the weeds out. As the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side but someone is tilling the ground and wetting the grass.
2. Plant the Seeds
Seeds are what I call the good habits. Those things we want to see in our relationship and marriage. It is not just good enough to pull out the weeds; we should be proactive and intentional about planting good seeds. Seeds of what we do to our partner in a relationship and spouse in marriage.
We should not just do bad stuff to our partner and spouse but we should do good stuff to our partner. Being kind, being tender and gentle, showing each other respect, being thoughtful, loving our partner, forgiveness, not counting scores, treating each other with thoughtfulness, taking time to understand your spouse or partner. We can always add to this list.
3. Kill the snakes
Sometimes we do all the right things in a relationship and in marriage but things still go wrong. The relationship still breaks and the marriage still ends up in divorce. The snakes are ‘spiritual problems or issues’. There are not just weeds and seeds but there are also snakes. These are the dangerous intruders from the enemy of our relationship and marriage. They seek to steal, kill, and destroy.
We don’t pull out the snakes; we kill them. Some of us are not aware of the existence of snakes in our relationship and marriage. We need to be aware of them and arm ourselves with the right weapons of God’s word, prayer, and an understanding of our authority in Christ Jesus and the finished work of the cross.
Connection Between Individual Progress and Marital Success
Growth signifies life. Stagnant water stinks. If you are not growing, you are dying. It is high time we prioritize our individual growth journey if we desire to see growth in our relationships and marriages. Everyone is born a clean slate, naive. As we begin to take our personal growth seriously, we start to develop skills and mature in who we are.
A lot of crises in relationships and marriages are due to knowledge gaps between couples. We don’t have to make any effort to grow chronologically. All we need for such growth is food, all other things being equal. However, the growth that leads to transformational change is not automatic. It requires effort, consistency, and sacrifices.
I told a friend the other day that I wondered what I had been doing all my younger years when I had time. There is so much to learn in every aspect of our lives that it seems 24 hours is not enough. If you are not growing, you cannot be excused. You have to make efforts and plan to grow.
The Bible says in Genesis 2:24:
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
There is a leaving, a cleaving, and becoming one flesh. All these processes require learning, unlearning, and relearning. It takes personal growth to know what you are “leaving” to “cleave” to, and you have to know the part you have to play in the process of becoming one flesh.
Your relationship or marriage cannot grow beyond the level of personal growth of the individuals in the relationship or marriage. Ask yourself this question: how many books have I read on relationships? As married couples, what books have you read about the different aspects of marriage?
To succeed in your relationship or marriage, you must take the issue of developing yourself seriously. There are different ways you can learn. You can learn through mentors, through experience, by asking questions, but the most effective and cheapest way to learn is by reading books. Books contain the experiences of others encapsulated in the pages, so you don’t repeat the mistakes they have made in the past.
There are so many aspects of your relationship and marriage that you need to personally grow in for the health of your union to emerge. If you prioritize personal growth, there will be some fights that will be eliminated from your relationship and marriage.
Genesis 1:27 states:
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
God created us distinctly different by purpose, on purpose, and for a purpose. If the purpose of something is not known, abuse is inevitable. Our purpose in relationships and marriages has to be discovered through a personal growth journey. Nobody can do that for us. The growth has to be personal; the man has to grow as much as the woman.
Make a quality decision today to prioritize personal growth for the well-being of your relationship and marriage. The more you know, the better for your relationship and marriage. For example, knowing the differences between men and women is fundamental to how you relate to one another. It affects almost every aspect of our relationships and marriages, including communication, decision-making, and understanding yourselves as partners.
I urge you this morning, keep learning and never stop growing.
This discusses delayed gratification, where you ‘pay’ now and ‘gain’ later as opposed to ‘gaining’ now to ‘pay’ later. This paradox is noteworthy, and we need to take note of it. It is always better to ‘pay’ now and ‘play’ later in our relationships and marriages.
I want to discuss 5 things this morning that we need to do now in our relationships and marriages that will yield great dividends for us later on. We must learn as individuals and as couples to delay gratification. One of the marks of maturity is when we learn to delay gratification.
Tonight is MASTERCLASS with singles and couples! Don’t miss it. Find details below. Invite others, and see the links to our Whatsapp groups below the page!
As Singles, engaging in premarital sex is tantamount to not knowing how to delay gratification. It’s better to invest a few years in getting to know yourselves before marriage and then spend all of your married lives enjoying sex together.
As a couple, we need to learn how to delay gratification when we feel like having an anger outburst or when we feel the need to express our emotions intensely. God doesn’t want us to yield to our flesh every time. He wants us to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. He wants the Holy Spirit to govern our moods, feelings, and actions. We are not to engage in tit for tat in our relationships and marriages.
Let’s now explore 5 areas where we can apply the Pain Paradox in our relationships and marriages.
Our spiritual life: From the time of finding the right person to marrying to living out our married life blissfully, we need to embrace the principle of the Pain Paradox. It makes a lot of sense if we take time out to discern God’s perfect will for us before entering into marriage.
We save ourselves a lot of heartache when we are sure we are on the same page with God on our marital journey. We can always turn to God for direction and guidance whenever we are in a dilemma. As married couples, it’s highly beneficial to prioritize walking with God because marriage cannot thrive outside of God.
Spend time getting to know and following God now, rather than using that time to pursue frivolities. Immerse yourself in God’s Word. Learn His principles now for your marriage, and you won’t have to deal with the pain of ignorance later. There is a time to sow and a time to reap. Sow now and reap later. Don’t sow now, and you won’t have anything to reap later.
Our Financial life: Finances are one of the greatest tools in relationships and marriage. The Bible says money answers all things. We need to plan our finances well. As Singles, you need to be financially intelligent. Don’t spend your hard-earned money proposing with a diamond ring when you are not even sure if she will eventually marry you.
Am I against a beautiful proposal? No. What I am saying is, can you afford such expenses when you don’t have any good investments? As couples, don’t live beyond your means. Going to fancy restaurants all the time when you can cook at home is not too wise.
Live by a budget. Let your finances be budgeted. Invest for a rainy day. Buy land or real estate. Invest now to reap the benefits later.
I will stop here today. I will continue tomorrow by God’s grace.
For singles and couples, the issue of financial compatibility will always come to the fore because finances are an essential part of love life. The reality is that when financial issues are out of the way, more than fifty percent of the problems are solved.
Financial compatibility is important because it is dangerous to marry someone whose financial principles and practices are polarized to you. This doesn’t mean you are financial experts but what it means is that you should be on the same page so that you can synergize together.
Here Are Conversations You Should Have
1. Financial History: What has been the financial history? How has your potential spouse been handling finances? As newly married, you will immediately notice that your partner’s financial habit before the wedding prevails within your home. It is good to have these conversations!
2. Budgeting Together: Have you discussed budgeting, planning, and spending? What amount goes for which? What are the priorities? As engaged or newly married couples, are you on the same page? Do you consult one another before major spending?
3. Financial Goals: What are the plans? This should be discussed! When are you going to start developing your property? What kind of school are the children going to? What kind of income streams are in the pipeline?
4. Debts and Savings: Are there debts before the wedding? Light or huge debt? Are there serious and chronic debt habit that needs attention and counseling? You cannot close your eyes to all these indications. As a newlywed, are you servicing debt with all your income like in Nigeria? Lol…
5. Crisis Management: What are the financial plans in place in emergencies? What are the options? Have you decided that you will never use a loan to take care of another debt? What are the immediate plans to stop addictions from constantly patronizing loan apps?
These and more conversations will help you when it comes to finances and your love life.
Once upon a time, in a bustling city filled with bright lights and fast-paced lives, there lived a young couple named Buddy and Stella.
They were deeply in love and committed to building a relationship grounded in understanding and connection.
One evening, as they sat on the rooftop of their house, Stella shared her dreams and aspirations with Buddy.
Instead of merely hearing her words, Buddy decided to listen truly. He put away his phone, looked into Stella’s eyes, and let her pour out her heart. He nodded, smiled, and used his body language to show he was fully present and engaged.
When Stella finished speaking, Buddy took a moment to gather his thoughts. He summarized and rephrased what she had shared, ensuring he understood her correctly.
Stella’s face lit up with excitement. She felt truly seen and understood by Buddy’s active listening. It made her feel valued and cherished, knowing that he was genuinely interested in her passions and dreams.
They delved into conversations about life, faith, and their shared purpose. Questions like, “What impact do you hope to make in the world?” and “What are your wildest dreams and how can I support you in achieving them?” became the fuel for their connection.
In moments of vulnerability, they acknowledged each other’s emotions, just as Jesus did with compassion and understanding.
When Buddy faced setbacks in his career, Stella listened without judgment, providing a safe space for him to express his frustrations. And when Stella experienced self-doubt in her emotions, Buddy offered unwavering support and reminded her of her inner strength!
Most importantly, Buddy and Stella learned to avoid interruptions and assumptions. They realized that true understanding required patience and the willingness to hear each other out completely. They were quick to listen and slow to speak, just as the Scriptures advised.
Their love story continued to flourish as they embraced the art of radical listening. Their relationship became a haven of trust, where they could freely express themselves and find solace in the other’s understanding.
They discovered that active listening was the key to unlocking a love that transcends generations—a love that speaks the language of the heart and nurtures the souls of both singles and couples.
And so, their love story continues to inspire others, reminding them of the power of radical listening. This power can ignite flames of love and understanding in the hearts of a generation yearning for authentic connection.
For Singles:
Are you actively practicing radical listening in your friendships and potential romantic relationships? How can you incorporate the principles of active listening into your interactions?
What are your deepest passions, dreams, and aspirations? How can you find someone who will truly listen and support you in pursuing those dreams?
Reflecting on your past relationships, were there instances where active listening could have made a positive difference? How can you improve your listening skills in future relationships?
For Couples:
How well do you currently practice active listening in your relationship? Are there areas where you can improve to foster deeper understanding and connection?
What open-ended questions can you ask your partner to foster meaningful conversations and explore each other’s dreams and aspirations?
How do you acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions in moments of vulnerability? Are there any specific ways you can enhance your empathy and support for each other?
For Singles and Couples:
Reflecting on the story, what is one action you can take today to become a more active and empathetic listener in your relationships?
How can you create intentional moments of undistracted listening with your partner or potential partner?
Are there any assumptions or interruptions that you need to be more mindful of in your communication? How can you practice being quick to listen and slow to speak?
